Travel Deal
A travel agent said to his customer, "I can get you three days and
two nights in Rome for a hundred bucks."
"How come so cheap?" replied the customer.
The travel agent replied, "The days are July 11, 12 and 13. The
nights are July 21 and 22."
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"Happy Birthday Elsie"
I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's ninety-second birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the question, "Which one is Elsie?"
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CleanQuote
A bell is no bell 'til you ring it, A song is no song 'til you sing it, And love in your heart Wasn't put there to stay - Love isn't love 'Til you give it away.
-- Oscar Hammerstein from "The Sound Of Music"
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"Church Problems"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I took my granddaughter to church camp for the first time last weekend. Behind the sanctuary is a restroom facility that is separate from other buildings. A common topic of conversation was a problem that was occurring this year - bugs and crickets seem to seek refuge in the restroom.
One evening during church service, my granddaughter asked me where the bathroom was because she needed to use it. I told she could use the restroom behind the sanctuary.
She exclaimed, "Grandma, I am afraid to go to that restroom because there are a lots of bugs and hypocrites in there."
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Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that
Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it
didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he
went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down
and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to
see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
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On a joint military exercise an English soldier, an American solider,and a
Russian soldier found themselves sharing a tent while on a military exercise
and the conversation turned towards how well fed each of them was.
"In the Russian army we get 2000 calories of food a day" said the Russian.
"Well," said the Englishman, "in the British army we are given 4000 calories
of food a day."
"That's nothing," said the American, "in the US army we get 8000 calories
of food a day."
At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense," he said, "how could one
man eat so much cabbage?"
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When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first
checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
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"President Bush said that these troops will be at the border temporarily.
You know, just until Mexico is ready to govern itself. Sound
familiar?" --Jay Leno
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Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to
get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so
excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never
thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You
jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but
hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you
become 21! Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME = 21.
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you
sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun
now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa!
Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's
a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day! is a complete cycle; you
HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there.
Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you
become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
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"Next Question"
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual'?"
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Dogs Prayers to God
Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one
another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same
old story?
Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one
named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a
nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be
easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?
Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get
in?
Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields
and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been
howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is
the beagle across the street!
Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?
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This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer
immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you,
so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
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"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad." - Julian Wakefield