Waitress Date
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but
couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she
quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and
blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't
even make eye contact?"
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
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"Top 10 Signs that you company is planning to lay you off."
10. You frequently overhear the CEO mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-You"
9. The guys from the mailroom see you, and their first response is "Oh, are you still here.".
8. The guy from HR keeps asking when can he show your cubicle.
7. Your coworkers keep dropping by and you catch them applying their name to your stapler.
6. The Director of HR starts an office betting pool of who will be laid off next and he chooses you.
5. Your boss has moved your desk to the inside of the men's bathroom, at the gas station down the street from the office.
4. All of the pictures on your desk have been replaced by people that you don't know.
3. The Director of HR borrows $300 dollars from you, promises to pay it back to you in one week and laughs while she is saying it.
2. They ask you to write a description of your job and send it to them in the form of a job classified ad.
1. Your boss calls a meeting and tells everyone to raise their hands if they will have a job tomorrow and he motions for you to keep your hand down.
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Oneliner
"Ask me about my vow of silence."
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"Tollboth"
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.
Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
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After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy
decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and
replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.
A few minutes later the rooster walked in, saw all the
colored eggs, then stormed outside and beat up the peacock!
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Things you should never say to a pregnant woman:
"Honey, come on, you're blocking the big screen TV!"
"No, I don't mind. Helping you get up out of the chair is a bit habit forming."
"Sorry I can't give you a hug, my arms aren't that long."
"What do you mean, the seat belt won't fit?!"
"So the doctor said you're going to get, um, even bigger?"
"Why not wear one of my shirts? Oh, they don't fit either..."
"Bet you $20 I can outrun you across the back yard!"
"Come on, as soon as my team breaks this tied game, we'll leave for the hospital."
"Since your contractions are so far apart, how about cooking us some boiled cabbage and sauerkraut before we leave?"
"Maybe someday you'll return the favor and tie MY shoes."
"But why can't you trim your own toe nails?"
..and anything said while she is looking in the mirror just after taking a bath.