Nose Ring
I was hanging out with a blonde friend of mine when we saw a woman
walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My
friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her
head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain
the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing
so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have
acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures.
There will be any number of times, during the course of your
association with humans, when you will wonder why you have
bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans anyway? Why not just hang
around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have
struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer
is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening
doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing
television stations, and other activities that we, despite
our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do
ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans, and lemurs also have
opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more
important activities than taking care of your immediate
needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their
families, or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this
work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment
it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will
do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its
hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same
practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human
to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has
paper in front of it, chances are good it assumes the paper
is more important than you. It will often offer you a snack
to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood
pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works
well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys, and
small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is
between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your
human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better
than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent
haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to
scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to
vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting
suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human
will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these
extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human.
Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating
household plants, are likely to backfire; the
unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the
activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer
these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a
romantic interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and
feign a hairball attack.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing
horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back
away, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting
humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled
animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already
dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly
expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given
their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures
up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend
the following: cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs,
lizards, garden snakes, and the occasional earthworm) should
be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds,
rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still
living. When you see the expression on your human's face,
you'll know it's worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are obligated to your human for only one of your lives.
The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and
matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones
that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But
what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable
thumbs will take you only so far.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"House Calls"
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Investigation"
A woman had a beautiful black cat with white feet, named Socks. Socks spent his days outside and came indoors only at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared.
She searched for him high and low, for several days, but all in vain. The following spring, however, Socks reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd just been out sowing his wild oats, and let it go at that.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Socks once again disappeared. The next spring, just as the prior year, he returned. When it happened for the third year in a row, she became very perplexed, and decided to investigate. She started by asking her neighbors to see what, if any, information they might have.
She was down to the last house on the block, the home of an older couple. If they didn't have the answer, she wasn't sure where she would turn. So she went up and knocked on the door. The lady of the house answered, and she asked her, "By any chance, have you ever seen a black cat with 4 white feet around here?"
"A black cat?" the woman said. "With 4 white feet? Oh my, yes! He's the sweetest thing. My husband and I kept seeing him outside every fall. We hated it that the poor thing had to be out in the cold, so we decided that when we go south for the winter, we'd take him with us. He's been going to Florida with us every winter for the last few years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to kittyspann -- THINK ABOUT THIS!
A car company can move its factories to Mexico and
claim it's a free market.
A toy company can out source to a Chinese
subcontractor and claim it's a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes
and claim it's a free market.
We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico.
We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh.
When I need to speak to someone about my computer, I
talk to somebody in India.
We can purchase almost anything we want from 20
different countries
BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their
prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy.
That's called un-American! And you think the
pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful lobby?
Think again!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: A Lawyer's Prayer
A Lawyer’s Prayer
“We respectively request, and entreat, that due and
adequate provisions be made this day and the date
hereinafter subscribed, for the organizing of such
methods and allocations and distributions as may be
deemed necessary to properly assure the reception by
and for said petitioner of such quantities of baked
cereal products as shall, in the judgment of the
Provider, constitute a sufficient supply thereof.”
Interpretation: “Give us this day our daily bread.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Discovery
The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.
An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr.
Bell and his assistant, a man named Watson, have been
hard at work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound
over wires.
As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the
receiver, he suddenly hears ... ring, ring, ring ....
then....
"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your
long distance service?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she
woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that
you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What
do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package
and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled
"The meaning of dreams."