If God had intended for us to vote, He would have given us candidates.
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16 Police Comments taken off actual police car videos
#16 "You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while."
# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER ....
#1 “You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.”
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"The National Hockey League announced it's going to kick off
next season with a game in London. It'll be the first time
in League history that the people in the stands will have
worse teeth than the guys on the ice." -Conan O'Brien
***
"The L.A. Galaxy, a local indoor soccer team, paid out $250
million to sign David Beckham. They're hoping he can do for
soccer what Wayne Gretzky did for hockey, which means in 15
years no one will be watching soccer either." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Not far from here, a big underground hot-water pipe exploded.
Unbelievable — like a geyser! Nothing really fazes New
Yorkers. Here's what happened: A fat guy, he sees what's going
on, he gets undressed and takes a steam." -Dave Letterman
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The wise old Mother Superior was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but
she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the
kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a
gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a
generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her
lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then
before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down
to the last drop.
Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before
you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face
and pointing out the window, she said,
"Don't sell that cow!"
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As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a
lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff all over those
hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in
front of me said it was Greece."
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DUNKIN DONUTS BLONDE ??????????????
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" Sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won A motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a Motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as A prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager who reads...
Scroll down!! YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! I PROMISE!
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"W I N A B A G E L"
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Louisiana Senator David Vitter has admitted he was a client of the DC madam. She made public a list of all her clients' phone numbers. Here's my question: If you're so stupid to go to a prostitute and give her your real name and your Senate office phone number, how did you get elected in the first place?" --Jay Leno "President Bush held a press conference yesterday to discuss the latest report out of Iraq. He says there's plenty of reason for optimism, although I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't know what that word means." --Jimmy Kimmel "It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, has just been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good old days during a campaign, when you only had to kiss babies? It is so competitive now for what you have to do to get elected." --Jay Leno "The President's approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now, he's somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi. And by tomorrow, he's expected to rank somewhere between John Mark Karr and Chinese toothpaste." --Jimmy Kimmel "The senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, he's admitted now he dates hookers in Washington, D.C, and also in Louisiana. But, he said, in his defense, he always selected the girl with the lowest bid. So he's fiscally prudent." --David Letterman "Later this summer the first ever gay presidential debate will be held, where Democratic candidates will answer questions posed by the gay community. Yeah, question number one is very good. Question number one: Why can't health care be more fabulous?" --Conan O'Brien "According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a 'golf nut.' She's pretty good, too. The only sand trap she can't get out of? Iraq." --Jay Leno "Some sad news I should mention, Lady Bird Johnson passed away at the age of 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer and an icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a bird." --Conan O'Brien
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New Principal
As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
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VanAllen
The radiation belts surrounding the earth were discovered almost simultaneously by VanAllen and another scientist named Fan. VanAllen published first, or else the earth would have a Fan Belt.
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Predicting the Future
"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?" -- Bill Gates, 1981 "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
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"Whatever you are, be a good one." - Abraham Lincoln