Civilization makes it possible for you to live off other persons instead of
off the land.
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Talking Parrot
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted the bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he had bid a lot more than he had intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he mentioned to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"He can talk," said the auctioneer, "Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
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"Correction"
Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready.
"You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."
He looked at me and replied, "Twice."
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"Correction"
Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready.
"You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."
He looked at me and replied, "Twice."
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"Home Life" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.
In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook.
As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams.The woman mumbled some colorful words.
She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but it certainly sounds as if I have the right number."
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Back to SchoolAfter raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course.The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"
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"Some public school now will be serving sushi. Well, if
you love cafeteria meatloaf, you're going to really love
cafeteria sushi!" -Dave Letterman
***
"Next week, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will
work a shift as a nurse at a Las Vegas hospital. You
thought your doctor's hands were cold. And since she has
no training or experience in the nursing field, she will
only tend to patients on HMOs" -Jay Leno
***
"Scientists have said they may have figured out a way to
travel through time. For years now I've known of a potion
that can let you travel through time..it's called tequila."
-Craig Ferguson
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An office technician got a call from a computer user. The
user told the tech that her computer was not working. She
described the problem and the tech concluded that her com-
puter needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here
and I'll fix it for you."
About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with
the electrical cord in her right hand.
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One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked
up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from
the forge.
He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his
pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.
The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of
hot, wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it
just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe.
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Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead At 71
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and The Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.
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Military Time
My wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall. "He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised. With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
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How Things Work In Real Life
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.
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A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?" "What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?" "It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"
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Priory Priority
The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and
primary student residence of the small Catholic university
where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's
ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness
experienced by one of the older monks whose order had
founded the college.
"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The
tradition associated with that building, the memories of all
the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't
imagine how hard this must be for you."
"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my
PalmPilot in there."