Award Shows
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? It seems like
that have an award show for everything.
They even have awards for commercials! The CLIO Awards, a whole show
full of commercials.
I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening
weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the
receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the resturant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available
all night. Would you care to select something from this
menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would
like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The
receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love
a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to
her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning,
Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at
the desk.
"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional
-- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs,
though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary
truthfully.
"Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to
our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve
our service and would value your opinion," said the
receptionist.
"Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out,
paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the
comment Mary had written. Here it is:
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!''
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Pig Call"
A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the head hog at the trough there?"
The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting."
"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a local phase we use in the part of the country I come from. The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your building fund."
The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming through the door right now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"I'm sorry. Am I driving too close in front of you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Tennis player's son: Ace
Clothing manufacturer's daughter: Polly Esther
Teacher's son: Mark
Singer's twin daughters: Harmony & Melody
Patrolman's son: Chase
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An anonymous quote for all those looking to hire
someone: "Never hire anybody whose resume rhymes." And
now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...
******************************************************
From GCFL: Neat Quotes
/* It looks like most of the colloquialisms from
yesterday were not true according to Snopes and other
sites. But you don't believe everything you read do
you? :) */
These quotes were all received from Thought for the
Day, a mailing list that sends an interesting thoughts
every weekday. They are one of our recommended links.
If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
-Yachtsman's Credo
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself
on the back.
My sources are unreliable, but their information is
fascinating. -Ashleigh Brilliant
I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,
only in alphabetical order like it should be. - Spike
Donner from Ruminations
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first
to discover your mistakes. - Antisthenes
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal
on earth.
When people tell you how young you look, they are also
telling you how old you are. -Cary Grant
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you
tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. -David H.
Comins
I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider
Robinson
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to
test a man's character, give him power. -Abraham
Lincoln
*******************************************************
The last laugh comes From GCFL: Colloquialisms from
the 16th Century
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the
mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's
father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead
he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.
So in old England, when customers got unruly, the
bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and
quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase
"mind your P's and Q's."
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a
whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic
cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle
to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled
Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word
GOLF entered into the English language.
Most people got married in June because they took
their yearly bath in May and were still smelling
pretty good by June. However, they were starting to
smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide
the b.o. Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot
water. The man of the house had the privilege of the
nice clean water, then all the other sons, then the
women and finally the children. Last of all the
babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high,
with no wood underneath. It was the only place for
animals to get warm, so all the pets. . . dogs, cats
and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs, lived in
the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the
roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could really mess up your
nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with
big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed
that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds
with canopies.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The
wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in
the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore
on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened
the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece
of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh
hold."
They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always
hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and
added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables
and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for
dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes
the stew had food in it that had been in there for a
month. Hence the rhyme: " peas porridge hot, peas
porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days
old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really
special when that happened. When company came over,
they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it
off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could
really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a
little to share with guests and would all sit around
and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach
onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes,
so they stopped eating tomatoes . . . for 400 years.
Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had
trenchers -- a piece of wood with the middle scooped
out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot
of times worms got into the wood. After eating off
wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The
combination would sometimes knock them out for a
couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence
the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and they started running out
of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins
and would take their bones to a house and re-use the
grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside
and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist
and lead it through the coffin and up through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit
out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell.
Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that
someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead
ringer."