If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Holly wood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you ' re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You ' ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That ' s what ' s been keeping me a wake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he ' s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can ' t Get Enough " ?
A. George Go l: I don ' t know, but it ' s coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I ' ll give you a ge sture you ' ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell ' s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you ' ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I ' m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what ' s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I ' m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn ' t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I ' ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
++++++++++++++++++
"Toaster Oven"
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.
"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Buffet" is a French term that means, "Get up and get it yourself."
- Greg Ray
++++++++++++++++++
"Circus Wife"
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do.
The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."
++++++++++++++++++
Hotdog Pinatas
by Robert Byron
Every web site has something known as a server log. The server log contains
all the information pertaining to traffic to the site. In other words, every
time you go to a web site, things like your IP address, the link that led
you to the site, the browser you use, your operating system and various
other bits of information that can be used by a site owner to better tailor
a site to the needs of the majority are collected.
I generally check my server logs several times a day just to see what is
happening on the site. I am able to see the search engine queries that
people use when those results lead them to my site. I am often amazed that
folks end up at my site given the queries that they entered into a search
engine.
For example, someone was looking for information on Nigerian leprechauns and
ended up at my web site, Absolute Robeo. Someone else ended up at my site by
asking how to give a prostrate exam and another got there by inquiring about
"poopy diaper man."
Although "cure the common cold" brought someone to my site, I can assure
them that they are looking in the wrong place if they are serious about a
cure. The same goes for the person wanting to know how to cure warts. You
won't find out if pizza originated in Iran nor will you find out why beans
give gas but you can find my web site by searching for them. "Are employees
accident prone" brought someone to my site. I'm not a magic 8 ball and
didn't have their answer but I hope they enjoyed their visit. "Will I die
from eating moldy bread" and "food poisoning rice" brought a couple of hits
but those folks won't find the information they seek.
Someone found me by searching for "disney marijuana pictures" and another
found me by searching for "marijuana hydroponic setup." These folks didn't
find any information about their inquiries but it might be a good idea for
law enforcement officers to look for hydroponic marijuana setups at
Disneyland.
You won't find any pornography on my site but you might find my site while
searching for pornography. You won't find directions on how to make a
homemade shotgun or how to get rid of heartburn if you're pregnant. You
won't find "cards for cheating husband" and you won't find out how DDT is
made. There is nothing about "cat contents," "turkey pullovers" or "potted
meat." You might, however, find my site by searching for those items.
How is it possible that people are finding Absolute Robeo while searching
for things that are totally unrelated to my site? Well, the answer is quite
simple; the words they searched for are on my site. Because I write stories
about everything under the sun, a search for "*ball *bearing *body
*jewelery" will produce a path to my site. "Who invented Haggis?" That is
the search that warms my heart the most. Whoever those folks are who find me
by searching for haggis, they are the ones after my own heart and they a
probably after my heart as an ingredient in their haggis.
I don't care what leads a person to my site as long as they end up there and
as I write more stories, I will probably see even more hits from search
engines. Who knows, one day, all roads on the information superhighway just
might lead to Absolute Robeo. It already does if you are looking for "hotdog
pinatas." It's result number 12 on HotBot.
++++++++++++++++++
"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that
seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she
has any cute friends." - Scott Ostler
++++++++++++++++++
Newspaper item from Wisconsin...
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00
(with monthly payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of
course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go
on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
New NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking water
area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float
on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to
invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more
power than the average drill auger can produce. So,
out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of
dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two
Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice
while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and
becoming toast, along With the Navigator), decide on
the following course of action: they lite the 40
second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw
the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab
used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the
owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the
ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of
dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it
hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving
their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to
resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and
holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently
cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter
panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The
shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough
to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,
slightly confused then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, under the brand new
Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot
exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end,
he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes
off after his master. Then
""""""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of
the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there
with...... "I can't believe this just happened" looks
on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by
the policy. He still had yet to make the first of
those $560.00 a month payments. The dog is okay.