Boss PreparedA salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission.He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."He received the following fax from his secretary:"The boss is prepared ... prepare yourself."
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Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a
teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it
describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers
important questions about your warranty (which does NOT
include the right to return the product to the factory for a
full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To
determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged
girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with
more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge
your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting
money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of
these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice
try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged
daughter, you will initially experience a high level of
discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you
will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period,"
during which you are becoming accustomed to certain
behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will
start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place
her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming
is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to
shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do
this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter
means learning the difference between the words "clean" and
"neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take
frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you
must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to
use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they
have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step
out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom,
which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If
you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing
"clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have
time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them.
These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter
requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at
restaurants because she detests everything you eat because
it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany
her to these restaurants, because some people might see you
and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner
with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her
the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer
the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and
ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an
attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of
dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing
which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy
shopping, you will love the vast selections which are
available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter
wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce
her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house,
but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will
be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two
levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your
daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do
won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has
your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not
fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your
teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it
takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has
already happened and as far as you are concerned never
really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your
warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still
there -- you just have to look for her.
Received from W. Bruce Cameron.
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Cleaning A Mess
by Robert Byron
The five North Carolina Farmers Markets, operated by the North Carolina
Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, are places where farmers
can sell their products to both wholesalers and individuals. Just about any
kind of fruit and vegetable can be found along with many other commodities.
There are two restaurants located at the Raleigh location of the Farmers
Market. One serves only seafood and the other serves down home country
cooking. Since these eating establishments are close to where I work, I will
occasionally take clients there during the lunch hour.
Most of my clients are interested in testing southern country cooking and of
the two restaurants, that is the one I most frequent. The interior is plain
and not fancy. The food is good and mostly fattening. Vegetable plates are
served but rest assured that they have been cooked in some sort of animal
fat. Iced tea is the drink of choice and you will find a bottle of molasses
as well as a bottle of barbecue sauce on every table. I will say that the
place isn't very vegetarian friendly and if you go there you should probably
be prepared to eat meat.
On one occasion, I had taken a client there when I noticed an elderly
gentleman and his wife as they sat down at one of the plain wooden tables
next to us. The old couple looked like they could turn to dust at any
moment. The woman spotted some friends a few tables over and ventured over
to talk with them. As soon as the woman turned her back, the old man picked
up a squirt bottle of molasses and quickly applied a heaping mound to his
index finger before inserting it into his mouth. His wife continued talking
to her friends and occasionally would turn towards her husband. He would
smile and wave or nod his head but as soon as she turned around to face her
friends, he'd squirt another line of molasses on his finger and suck it down
as quickly as he could.
I clued in my client as to what was happening and he positioned himself so
he could see the action. The old man was making a meal out of molasses and
his wife was none the wiser. The wife finished her conversation and made her
way back to the table where her husband sat. "Is that molasses on the table?
You haven't been eating it again have you?" The old man sat speechless.
My client turned to the old man and said, "May I borrow your molasses one
more time? The bottle we have still seems to be clogged." With a slightly
puzzled look but without saying a word, the old man handed my client the
molasses. My client gave the bottle a slight squeeze and molasses squirted
on the table in front of the old man. "I'm sorry," exclaimed my client.
"I've seem to have spilled molasses on your table again."
"The old man, with a stern look and grizzled voice, replied, "Just keep it
son. I'm tired of cleaning up your messes."
© Copyright 2007 Robert Byron
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A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.