Teddy Bear named Mohammed:
I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.
I named him Mohammed.
This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.
My question is, "Have I made a prophet?"
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Turnips
I put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on my
eleven-year-old son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat
everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.
I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have
been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.
Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."
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Christmas Credit
Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
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Swinging Dog
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
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Low Impact Exercise
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge. Here are the things I have become good at:
* Beating around the bush
* Jumping to conclusions
* Climbing the walls
* Swallowing my pride
* Passing the buck
* Throwing my weight around
* Dragging my heels
* Pushing my luck
* Making Mountains out of molehills
* Hitting the nail on the head
* Wading through paperwork
* Bending over backwards
* Jumping on the bandwagon
* Balancing the books
* Running around in circles
* Eating crow
* Tooting my own horn
* Climbing the ladder of success
* Pulling out the stops
* Adding fuel to the fire
* Opening a can of worms
* Putting my foot in my mouth
* Starting the ball rolling
* Going over the edge
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Imponderables
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON television?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
- If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
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When my doctor finished with his exam I said, "This may hurt a little, Doc.
I don't have any money."
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KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
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A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
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After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
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One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
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A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
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A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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And if you don't send this to at least 8 people ----- who cares?!
Peace, love and happiness
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"Airport Mistletoe"
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
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"Buffet" is a French term. It means, "Get up and get it yourself" - Greg Ray
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The End is Near
A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
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Alternative Uses for Fruitcake
- Use as a doorstop
- Use as a paper weight
- Use to clean your pots and pans
- Use as boat anchor
- Use as bricks in fireplace
- Build a house with them
- Use it to hold up your Christmas tree
- Use as a pencil holder
- Give it to the cat for a scratching post
- Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and squirrels
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Biggest feet in the third grade
Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?"
"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."
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Stork Education
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out...
"Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
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Oneliner
"In Congress someone gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then they all disagree."
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”Accident Report”
Because I was processing my first accident report at the transportation company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender.
My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put "Full gallop."
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Politically Correct Holiday Greetings
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular
traditions at all;"
PLUS
"a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted
calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of
choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped
make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater
than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western
hemisphere), and without regard to race, creed, color, age, physical
ability, religious faith, or choice of computer platform."
(Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these
terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is
freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It
implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the
wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by
law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish
is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of
good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the
sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any
unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not
caught up in the holiday spirit.)
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Did You Ever Wonder?
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?