Arriving Late
A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard.
Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?"
The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect its parents."
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Fascinate
A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."
Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."
So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her chest's so big she could only fasten eight!"
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New NFL and MLB Sponsors
The National Football League and Major League Baseball have
found themselves some new sponsors this year -- some
individuals, others whole associations. These are the people
and groups that have stepped up to the plate:
Edgar Allan Poe -
Bureau of Engraving and Printing -
Travel Agents/Moving Companies -
Gunsmiths -
Jack -
Clergy -
Paul Revere -
Airline Industry -
Thieves -
Shopaholics -
Tanning Salon -
Jewelers -
Shoe Stores -
Rocking Horse Association -
Physicist -
Fugitives -
Pubs -
Johnny Depp -
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Language Lunacy
Nobody ever said English was easy...
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think that all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people:
Recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop?
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Positive Outlook
The accountant told his client, "There's good news, and there's bad news."
"Give me the bad news first," the client said nervously.
"The bad news is that your business is flat on it's back."
The business person asked hopefully, "then what's the good news?"
"It's looking up!"
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Einstein
Back before he became an instantly recognized celebrity, when Albert
Einstein was first making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he
usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory
work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein
mentioned to his chauffeur that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this
speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap
and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a
beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few
questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an
extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing
here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a
steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple
that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
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Weird News
'WTF' plate on N.C. DMV Web site
State officials offered free replacement license plates in 2007 to nearly 10,000 people whose plates bore the letter combination "WTF," which is common text messaging shorthand for a phrase that includes a four-letter profanity beginning with the letter "F," The (Raleigh, N.C.) News & Observer reported Tuesday.
However, the DMV discovered this week that a plate bearing the letters appears on its Web site as an example of a personalized plate.
"I can't believe it," DMV Commissioner Bill Gore said. "Obviously, I didn't know it was there."
Officials said Monday the image should be replaced on the Web site within the next day.
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3-year-old puts 911 song into practice
GUTHRIE, Okla. (UPI) -- An Oklahoma woman's effort to teach her toddler daughter a simple song about dialing 911 in an emergency paid off when the mother fainted.
Jessica Eaves got her daughter, Madelyn, 3, to sing "911 green, 911 green," The Oklahoman reported. When Madelyn saw her mother unconscious, she picked up her mother's BlackBerry and picked out 911 and the green button.
Once Madelyn was on the phone with a dispatcher May 27, emergency workers were able to identify the block where she lived. She remained on the phone for 11 minutes with dispatchers asking her about her parents' cars and other items that would lead the ambulance crew to the right house.
Eaves, who is pregnant, suffers from a medical condition that puts her at high risk of fainting. Last year, when she fainted during an earlier pregnancy, Madelyn got help by pushing the green button, which connected her to the last person to whom her mother had talked.
"I was ecstatic," Eaves said when she learned of her daughter's latest intervention. "I could not believe a 3-year-old girl was able to think that fast and that clearly."
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Woman charged with hitting police horse
Corsha Beasley, 21, was being held in lieu of $30,000 bail, the Austin American-Statesman reported.
Police responding to a 911 call were trying to break up a crowd outside the Bayou Lounge early Sunday. Beasley allegedly refused to move and instead took off a shoe and used it to hit Dusty, the police horse, near his left eye.
When the officer tried to grab the shoe to keep Beasley from hitting the horse, she allegedly hit him in the face as well.
Beasley faces a second-degree felony charge, interfering with a police service animal, and a third-degree felony, assault on a police officer.
Air guitarists jam in Seattle
SEATTLE (UPI) -- Costumed performers, including an undercover Microsoft employee, gathered sans instruments in
The Jose Cuervo-sponsored event at Chop Suey involved air guitar devotees strumming along to music without actual guitars as part of the 24-stop tour aimed at creating a Team USA air guitar team to compete in
"Some people have football season -- I have air guitar season," said Garth Donald, a youth-shelter worker and air guitar veteran. He said the skill requires "years and years, and beers and beers" to perfect.
However, some performers said they had less pride in their chosen performance art.
One performer, "Red Hot," identified himself as a Microsoft employee. He said he did not want to give his real name because he feared what coworkers might think of his hobby.
"I've only been here two weeks -- I want to have a career or something," he said.