I just read an article on USA Today's website which said,
basically, that today's teens are a bunch of uncultured
ignoramuses. The actual headline is 'Teens losing touch
with common cultural and historical references.'
Among 1,200 students surveyed:
43 percent knew the Civil War was fought between 1850 and
1900.
52 percent could identify the theme of the book 1984.
51 percent knew that the controversy surrounding Senator
Joseph McCarthy focused on communism.
In all, students earned a C in history and an F in literature.
It's hard to be too critical. I mean, how many people really
ever use history, or literature? Anybody who has ever gotten
a job because they knew the Civil War started in 1850 and
ended in 1900 please write in and let us know!
Laugh it up,
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"I didn"t go to any Oscar parties last night. I'm not into
the
invited to any of them' thing." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"Problems for Hillary Clinton: There are 14 states to go,
and she only has 12 pantsuits left." -Jay Leno
***
"The store Sharper Image has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
The bankruptcy was filed using the Sharper Image Bankruptcy-
Filing, Folding-Bicycle, Massage Chair." -Conan O'Brien
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Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the
electronic and computer age:
Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries
to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever
connect at 56k.
Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information
Superhighway.
Carly's Angels: Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team
of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP's
sagging stock price.
Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.
T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance
to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down
the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the
data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be
solved? The truth is out there.
The AOL-Team: Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and
Mr. TT unite to promote corporate mergers and make the
world safe for capitalism.
Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal
computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in
beautiful
Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of
antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files-- no small
feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.
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Walter was sitting in the doctor's office for his annual
physical going over a few fine points about his health
with his doctor.
The doctor said, "Your blood pressure is a little high,
you know Walter, you need to watch your diet and lose a
little weight."
"But doc, I'm losing weight more and more each day."
"Oh really? How are you doing it?" asked the doctor.
"Well, just six weeks ago, I'd eat lunch at 12:00 and have
a snack around 3:00. Just today I had breakfast at 7:30,
waited 2 hours, had a snack at 9:30 then I waited an hour
and a half and ate lunch at 11:00, then I waited 45 minutes
and had a snack before coming here"
"And with this regiment you're losing weight?" asked the
doctor.
"Yeah," Walter said excitedly. "More meals and less wait!"
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Pony Express
At a
The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now?"
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Hardware Store Sign
My local hardware store puts its customers in their place before they
even enter. The sign on the door reads:
"Shoes required, because you might hurt yourself. Shirts required,
because you're not as good-looking as you think."
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"The Spice Girls say they want to play for Nelson Mandela's
90 birthday party. When he heard this he said, 'No thanks,
I'd rather go back to prison.'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"For three whole hours today, the whole world stood still.
Starbucks in
one! Starbucks says the training will 'transform the
customer experience.' You know what they should do if they
want to transform the customer experience? How about not
charging five bucks for a cup of coffee?" -Craig Ferguson
***
"It was a tough day for
every Starbucks was closed. Fortunately, President Bush
gave FEMA the go-ahead to tap into the nation’s mochaccino
reserve." -Jimmy Kimmel
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I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew,
Mitch, having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second,
I'll see."
Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on
full blast.
An indignant yell came from above.
Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in
the shower."
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Knock knock
Who's there?
Golaith
Goliath who?
Goliath down, you looketh tired.
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Buying a Hat
My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when
he asked us to take him to buy a new hat.
My wife took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't have
enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed," she said. So I
asked the salesperson to tell my wife's grandfather that
whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference.
Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged $15. After he left,
I paid the other $45 of the price.
Later Grandpa said, "What a bargain! The last one I bought
there cost me $60."
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Brian and Cathleen took their newborn, Emily, to meet her cousins, Erin and
everything the adults did with Emily including changing her diapers. The
girls were sitting right beside Brian the first time he changed one of
Emily's messy diapers.
When he opened her diaper he said, "Ew! She pooped!"
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Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about
how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced
myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my
husband.
He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."
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Politicians: People who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel,
order more tunnel.