Spelling Difficulties
The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first." Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court." The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin." Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..." The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo." Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."
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The Church Plaque
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year- old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
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Writing Home from College
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student at the University of Illinois. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary." "You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from our son in college, we have to go to the bank!"
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Golf Tips...
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says, "Loft." The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft." As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?" The pro says, "Lack of flippin' talent."
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Sleeping Leg
A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the
doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a
culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with
her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients
came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she
stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep." Not
wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered
toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady
nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them
sympathetically watched her painful progress.
Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back
to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As
she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one
whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you
he was a wonderful doctor!"
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Man used Plexiglas dummy in carpool lane
RIVERHEAD, N.Y. (UPI) -- The Suffolk County, N.Y., Sheriff's Office says a man was ticketed after admitting to using a Plexiglas doll to drive in a carpool-only lane. The office said a deputy noticed Steven Dinowitz, 51, driving in a Long Island Expressway high-occupancy vehicle lane with a fake person riding the passenger seat, Newsday reported. "One of our deputy sheriffs, he noticed the front seat passenger looked ... unusual," said Michael Sharkey, the sheriff's chief of staff. "He stopped the vehicle, and it was a two- or three-piece construction of Plexiglas, dressed in clothing to appear to be a passenger." Sharkey said Dinowitz admitted to dressing the Plexiglas like a person to get to and from work faster. "You get enough people doing stuff like that, and it totally defeats the purpose of having an HOV lane," Sharkey said. "It's not limiting it to people who are carpooling." Dinowitz was ticketed and released.
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Weird News
Man used Plexiglas dummy in carpool lane
RIVERHEAD, N.Y. (UPI) -- The Suffolk County, N.Y., Sheriff's Office says a man was ticketed after admitting to using a Plexiglas doll to drive in a carpool-only lane. The office said a deputy noticed Steven Dinowitz, 51, driving in a Long Island Expressway high-occupancy vehicle lane with a fake person riding the passenger seat, Newsday reported. "One of our deputy sheriffs, he noticed the front seat passenger looked ... unusual," said Michael Sharkey, the sheriff's chief of staff. "He stopped the vehicle, and it was a two- or three-piece construction of Plexiglas, dressed in clothing to appear to be a passenger." Sharkey said Dinowitz admitted to dressing the Plexiglas like a person to get to and from work faster. "You get enough people doing stuff like that, and it totally defeats the purpose of having an HOV lane," Sharkey said. "It's not limiting it to people who are carpooling." Dinowitz was ticketed and released.
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Couple spots stolen van 12 hours later
MILWAUKEE (UPI) -- A Wisconsin couple whose minivan was stolen in the morning got it back in the afternoon when they spotted it as they drove home from work. But Kevin and Holly Gray of Brown Deer say the 12-year-old vehicle suffered enough damage in the subsequent police chase and stop Tuesday afternoon that repairs aren't worth it. They plan to sell it for scrap. Still, they appreciate getting it back and seeing two alleged thieves arrested. The Grays were on I-43 heading north from Milwaukee to Brown Deer when they saw a familiar Dodge Caravan a little bit ahead of them. "We just both looked at each other for a moment," Holly Gray told the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. "I said, 'That looks like our van.' Kevin said, 'I think it is. Let me go and see if it is.'" There were four young men in the Caravan. Police stopped them and arrested a 16-year-old and a 19-year-old but the driver and another passenger escaped.
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The Age Question
An elderly woman arrived at a new doctor's office for her first appointment. The nurse was asking her questions about herself and typing the answers into the computer. The conversation abruptly turned for the worse, however, when the nurse asked the patient about her age. The conversation went something like this:
Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.
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"The House of Representatives rejected the $700 billion
bailout. Those who voted no were actually evenly divided
among parties. It's heartening to see Congress put aside
party differences to come together to not get anything
done." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"A new government study has found that the average American
car weighs five-hundred pounds more than it did ten years
ago. However, this is only true if an average American is
sitting in the car." --Conan O'Brien
***
"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass
Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge
difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas,
people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno
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Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the
question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a
deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
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A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's
something wrong with her password.
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just
shows stars," she says.
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk tech-
nician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you,
they wouldn't be able to read your password."
"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no
one standing behind me."
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Software EngineeringAt a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.