Not Feeling Well
My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece answered the phone.
"Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.
"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing,
by the way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
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"Brotherly Chores"
Drew and Timmy were brothers. One day Mom and Dad had to go into town. Dad told Drew, "While we are gone I want you boys to clear away the dirty dishes, clean your room, and mow the grass."
When they returned nothing had been done. Dad was very upset. He asked Drew, "What have you been doing while we were gone?"
Drew replied in a low voice, "Nothing."
Dad then turns to Timmy and asks, "What have you been doing?"
Timmy replied, "Helping Drew."
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CleanQuote
"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody else has thought."
-Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi
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Illustration - "Change"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled to accommodate professional offices. One day he overheard his receptionist giving directions over the phone.
"Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the caller. "Well, you'll find us in the meat department."
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Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved
to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I
called a local pizza shop for a delivery.
"I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza, please," I said,
then gave him the address of our condominium.
"We'll be there in about half an hour," the kid at the other
end replied. "Your gate code is still 1238, right?"
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Many of us "Old Folks" are quite confused about how we should present
ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the
fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon
the world. So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the
results.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do
not go together:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In-line skates and a walker
With these guidelines I'm sure we'll all be looking good.
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Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a
diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.
"Excuse me," she said to the saleslady behind the counter, "Will a small
deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?"
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"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit
with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's
relativity." - Albert Einstein
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Growing up
Little motor: "Grandpa, why do you have 4 wires and I only have two?"
Big motor: "That's just a phase that's going through you."
Photon relations
One photon to another: I am sick and tired of your interference.
I wrote this many years ago for the sci.optics news group, so it must be public domain by now.
Luck
A man was complaining about his life to his clergyman.
"I was a hard-working clerk making $30,000 per year. I was frugal, living carefully, saving my money, and I was happy and content.
Then one day I fell in with some shady characters and I got suckered into a high-stakes poker game. That was my ruin. Now I am anxious, stressed, and miserable."
His friend says "So you fell into temptation and lost all your savings?"
"No, I won, and like a fool I bought this lousy internet company."
Lesson
As Entrepreneurs we tend to want to teach our children the lessons that we have learned. Sometimes this is confusing to them. One entrepreneur sat his four year old son down and said
"It's time for your lesson." What's two plus two?
The little boy said "Two plus two is Six."
"No, son," his father said, two plus two is not six. "Two plus two is four."
"I'm sorry, father," said the little boy. "I thought we were negotiating
Teamwork
An engineering manager was once asked his definition of "Teamwork."
He said "Teamwork is where everyone in the department is doing what I tell them without whining.
Invention
If necessity is the mother of invention, why are there so many unnecessary inventions?
This joke is in the public domain
Salt
There was the engineer that was putting sea water in his batteries without the boss knowing. He was arrested for salt-in-battery, but even though the charge wouldn't hold up, he is sitting in his cell serving an current sentence.
Contributed by Doug Elliot, used with permission
Bats
Scientists have found a way to inject Bat genes into students. They ended up with engineers who like to be kept in the dark!
Pass/Fail
A new technician was put to work on the production line test station. "Just plug in the connector and read the voltage. If the voltage reads between 3 and 4 volts it passes. If not it fails, and you put it in the "fail" bin."
After his first shift he told his supervisor "I quit."
"What is the matter?" asked the supervisor, "the work can't be that hard."
"Oh, it isn't the work, that's easy. I'm going crazy with making all those decisions."
Schedule
One manager was bragging to another. "I have a great engineer working for me. Last week I gave him a project and he stayed up for six straight days, completed the circuit board design, finished the bill of materials and wrote a thousand lines of firmware. The completed projected was on my desk when I got to work on Monday morning."
His friend asked "So how far ahead of schedule was he?"
The manager said, "Ahead of schedule? Who ever heard of an engineer doing that?"
Impressions
Why did the battery-powered branding iron fail in the marketplace?
The calves weren't impressed by it.
Sweet
What is cylindrical, sweet, brown, and has 10,000 ohms?
A chocolate-covered resistor.
Capital Equipment
An engineer walks into his boss's office and says "I want enough money to buy a new HP System Analyzer."
His boss says "Why do you need a System Analyzer?"
The engineer says "I don't, I just want that much money."
Book
I gave my nephew a book for his birthday. He went crazy trying to find where to put the batteries.
This joke is in the public domain
Repair
A lady took her CD player into the repairman. "I am afraid you have a short circuit," he told her.
She said "I don't care how much it costs, lengthen it."
This joke is in the public domain
Job Requirements
To survive as a power supply designer you need just two things--a solid technical foundation and CPR.
Car battery
I took my car to my mechanic for a checkup. He told me that my battery needs a new car.
This joke is in the public domain
Constructive Criticism
An engineer gets a call from his patent lawyer. "Good news," he says. "RCA just licensed your invention and left a check for a million dollars. Come over and sign the deal and pick up the check."
About two hours later the engineer finally shows up at the lawyer's office.
"What kept you?" said the attorney. "On the way out I decided to stop by the Chief Engineer's office and tell him what I thought of his latest circuit."
This joke is in the public domain
Shuttle Delay
The space shuttle pilot and co-pilot are sitting atop the rocket waiting for launch. Over the headphones they hear announced a ten minute delay. "Oh, no," said the pilot. The co-pilot said "no big deal, this happens all the time." The pilot said, "No, look at the monitor, they're bringing in jumper cables."
Not Perfect
A solar panel installer was up on a roof, when out of the sky a bolt of lightning strikes the roof, blowing him off the roof, across the street, and through the neighbor's picture window. He gets off the floor, turns to the startled family and says "That's the one thing I hate about this job."
This joke is in the public domain
Tags attached to laboratory equipment in the hope that it will prevent it from "walking off."
Danger: High Impedance
Warning: This device contains matter, which is known by the State of California to cause warpage of space and time.
Warning: Operate only while wearing a lead apron.
Notice: You are free to borrow this spectrum analyzer as long as you return it within 24 hours. And please let me know if you start itching or have trouble focusing your eyes while in the 100 MHz to 2 GHz range.
Fireflies
Scientists have developed a firefly that is 10,000 times brighter than a wild firefly. The only problem is that the firefly is a little disgruntled at being strapped to a five pound battery.
Lyrics to "Who let the Smoke Out."
Who let the smoke out
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
(whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
When the circuit was made, the product was sumpin' (Hey, Yippie, Yi, Yo)
And everybody proud of it all (Hah, ho, Yippie Yi Yo)
I tell the fellas "start the thing pumpin" (Yippie Yi Yo)
And the plug goes in to the wall
The smoke broke show brown
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
Who let the smoke out (whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo)
I see a little smoke puff–makin' some toast
Lights really dim in the town
Get blame off me, shame off me
Rollout is gon' take a bit longer