Referrals
When our local doctor began attending church services, the minister
was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other
in their work, the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.
One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note
prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most
pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store
manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The
manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird
has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that
would fit most occasions."
The guy bought the bird and took it home.
Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The
bird hadn't said a word.
The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy
a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with
while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more
comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The
man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.
Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking,
huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do
the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase
made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.
And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to
complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time
the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know,
sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and
allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he
really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly
purchased the bell.
Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the
pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was
upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first
one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he
wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the
bird into thinking he had company.
You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store,
this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What
happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store
owner.
"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter?
Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CHURCH-SPONSORED ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10 THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN
JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.