Tuesday, July 22, 2008

hUMOR For July 22nd

After Effects

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

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Fair Compensation
A rancher's return on investment


A motorist, driving by a large ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

Oh, about $200 today, said the rancher. But in six years it would be worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out.

The motorist sat down, wrote out a cheque and handed it to the farmer.

Here, he said, is the cheque for $900. It's postdated six years from now.

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A Farmer’s Creed


I believe a man’s greatest possession is his dignity and that no calling bestows this more abundantly than farming.

I believe hard work and honest sweat are the building blocks of a person’s character.

I believe that farming, despite its hardships and disappointments, is the most honest and honourable way a man can spend his days on this earth.

I believe farming nurtures the close family ties that make life rich in ways money can’t buy.

I believe my children are learning values that will last a lifetime and can be learned in no other way.

I believe farming provides education for life and that no other occupation teaches so much about birth, growth and maturity in such a variety of ways.

I believe many of the best things in life are indeed free; the splendor of a sunrise, the rapture of wide-open spaces, the exhilarating sight of your land greening each spring.

I believe true happiness comes from watching your crops ripen in the field, your children growing tall in the sun, your whole family feeling the pride that springs from their shared experience.

I believe that by my toil I am giving more to the world than I am taking from it, an honour that does not come to all men.

I believe my life will be measured ultimately by what I have done for my fellow man, and by this standard I fear no judgment.

I believe when a man grows old and sums up his days, he should be able to stand tall and feel pride in the life he’s lived.

I believe in farming because it makes all this possible.

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An email from Ireland to their brethren in the States ... a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States

On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who can't keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What the heck problem do you lads over there in the colonies have in deciding which one to vote for??'

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More Crazy Names

Q: What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
A: Phantom of the Oprah!

Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!

Q: What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
A: Bob!

Q: What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
A: A Mouseketeer!

Q: What do you call the bad lion tamer?
A: Claude Bottom

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On Hearing the News

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?"

The man paused for a moment, then quietly said, "No" and hung up.

Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer. The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.

Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"

The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over

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Switching Sides

A life long supporter of the people's party was lying on his death bed when he suddenly decided to join the establishment party.

"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're people through and through. Why change now?"

The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it was one of them that died and not one of us."

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Politicians on a Plane

Three politicians are flying in a plane. The first one looks at the second, buffs his carefully manicured fingernails against his Brooks Brothers suit, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

The second shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make ten people very happy".

The third tosses her perfectly coiffed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

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Secrets of the Trade

A merchant teaches his son the secrets of the trade: "When you charge a customer $100, and he pays you by mistake $200, you have an ethical dilemma -- should you tell your partner?"

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Doctor's Orders

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

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Another Frivilous Lawsuit

Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.

Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.