Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care
for their infants. As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young
Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like
an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I
wrap my baby like a burrito?"
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It's my anniversary. My wife and I are celebrating my being wrong for a
whole year.
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"VIP Impression"
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.
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CleanQuote
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
- Jay Leno
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"Manners"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of the busiest times for a meat-department manager in a supermarket occurs when there is a sale on particular cuts. When we put cross-rib roasts on sale one day the result was predictable. I'd bring out a cart of roasts and before I could get them on display, women customers were jostling for their share. Three times I returned with a cart of roasts and three times they were gone before I got to the counter.
The fourth time out I noticed that a man who had quietly been watching began to approach my cart. He elbowed his way in, pushing and shoving, and finally grasped a roast. Before he could retreat from the crush, an irate woman glared at him and said, "Sir, how about being a gentleman!"
The fellow turned and said, "Ma'am, for twenty minutes I've been a gentleman, now I'm going to be a lady!" And with that he smiled, took his roast and walked away.
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Signs You're Flat Broke
Do you go back for seconds at communion?
1. American Express calls and says, “Leave home without it!”
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. Your rob Peter... and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
11. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
12. At communion you go back for seconds.
13. You wash your toilet paper.
14. You have to save up to be poor.
15. On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.
16. You owe yourself money.
17. Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
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Latest Surgical Procedure – ‘The Knob’
Try this surgeon’s facelift surgery for higher results…
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob’, where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course the woman wanted ‘The Knob’.
Over the course of the years, the woman kept tightening the knob, the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained young-looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn ‘The Knob’ many times and I have always loved the results. But now, I have developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and ‘The Knob’ won't get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her very closely and said, “Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.”
“Well,” she said, “I guess there is no point in asking about this goatee.”
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Fortune Cookies - In Bed
Add some excitement to your next fortune cookie message!
The next time you are with a group of people at a Chinese restaurant, when they bring you the fortune cookies, make sure that everyone in your group opens their fortune cookie in front of everyone – and reads out their fortune message… BUT at the end of their message, they have to add the words, “In Bed”… here’s what could happen!
A romantic interlude may have to be postponed in bed.
Back away from individuals who are impulsive in bed.
Joint ventures work out better than going it alone in bed.
To get what you want, you must commit yourself for some time in bed.
Your self-restraint will pay dividends in bed.
Find some time to look up some older relatives in bed.
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Corvette Tests to Raise The Bar
When a little pepper tequila goes a long way…
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, “What's with the jar?”
“Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06.”
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. “What are the three tests?”
“Pay first, those are the rules,” says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
“OK,” the bartender says, “Here's what you need to do: First - you have to drink that entire litre of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.”
“Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.”
“Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her.”
The man is stunned. “I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but your money stays where it is.”
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, “Where ez zat tequila?”
He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
“Now,” he says... “Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?”