In Great Detail
One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local air force base,
I overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he
wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed.
When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting
an award, or do you have an important military function to
attend?"
"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on
leave, and my little brother is taking me to his
second-grade class for show-and-tell."
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Saharan Lumberjack
The classified ad said, "Wanted: a very experienced lumberjack". A man answered the ad and was asked to describe his experience.
"I've worked at the Sahara Forest."
"You mean the
The man laughed and answered, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
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Coal Delivery
Teacher to student: "If coal is selling at $10 a ton and you pay your
dealer $50, how many tons will he bring you?"
"Maybe four and half tons, ma'am."
"Why, no, that isn't right,"
"No, ma'am, I know it isn't, but Dad says they all do it."
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Interview Stories
The following are "actual" post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:
- "Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
- "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
- "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
- "Applicant asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
- "Applicant announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
- "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
- "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
- "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
- "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
- "Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
- "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
- "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
- "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any farther."
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"Picture Menu"
I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".
I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that. Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic,
"Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"
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Oneliner
"The flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot - like anyone goes, 'Oh, he's good. I like his work.'"
- David Spade
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CleanPun - "Candidate Test"
After 50 years preaching from the same pulpit, a much loved pastor decided to retire. Because the church building was classically elegant, the manse spacious and comfortable and the congregation large and generous, applications poured in. The board of elders was faced with the daunting task of sifting through the resumes to find a replacement. One night the board president voiced his concerns at home. His computer savvy son said, "Don't worry Dad, I can create a program to help you."
The next week the son showed up with his laptop and demonstrated his program for the board. "The program takes everything into account from the number of Scripture verses the preacher uses, to the length of the sermon, to the number of hesitations he uses, and to the congregation reaction. Then it is all compiled into one easy-to-read graph here on the screen."
The board agreed that the program might be able to save them a lot of work and decided to try it.
The next week the first candidate was scheduled to preach. The son set up the computer, a microphone and several cameras in the church. The elders observed that the preaching was a a bit lackluster and that several congregants had nodded off, but decided to wait until they saw what the computer said.
After the service, they asked the son, "So how did he rate?"
The young man replied, "He was a 5 on the rector scale."
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”Head Space”
One day a group of people we were sitting and talking. A not so bright woman was among the group and she even participated in the discussion. When she came up with an unusually stupid comment, one of the friends couldn't take it anymore. He said to her, "You must have vacuum in your head."
This upset her greatly. She looked at him for a couple of seconds and then replied, "At least it's better than nothing."
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Charm School 101
At one of the last all girl schools in
instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their
escorts every chance to be gallant. She said, "Remain seated in the
truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you."
Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if the man is in the
restaurant ordering his steak, don't wait any longer."
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Hard of Hearing
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
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Economics Professor
Vern Allen an professor at CFCC had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam.
Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. Vern looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell."
The guy looked at Vern and said, "Vern, do you know who I am!"
Vern replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the
The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am?"
The Vern responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are."
With that, the guy said "Good!" plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other student's exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!
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Crazy Names
Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
A: Mandy Lifeboats!
Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
A: Beatrix Potter!
Q: What do you call a lion with toothache?
A: Rory!
Q: What do you call a man with a big truck on his head?
A: Laurie!
Q: What do you call a man with turf on his head?
A: Pete!