"Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three
groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and
value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will
replace the old customer classifications: teeth or no teeth."
--Conan O'Brien
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As an instructional assistant for a public school, part
of my job involves teaching small groups of children. One
day I was in charge of some second-graders, who were con-
centrating on their artwork. As I reached across to help
a student, he remarked that something smelled good.
I was pleased that he noticed my perfume, until he held
a wide felt-tip pen up to his nose and said, "Yep. New
markers."
[I can sympathize with this second-grader. I feel the same
way about felt-tip markers.]
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We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical
audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she
double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the
tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from
a tree."
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Hearing Aid Danger
Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased. The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
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Bill Gates in Heaven
Bill Gates died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven. One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces." "Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?" "Yes, we even use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
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A Good Defense
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now-Let us spray!"
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The Escape Artist
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. After recapturing the kangaroo, the zookeeper put up a ten-foot fence. Again the kangaroo was out the next morning, roaming around the zoo. So the fence was extended to twenty feet. But again the kangaroo was out the next morning. Frustrated zoo officials built a fence forty feet high. A camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How much higher do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet I guess -- unless somebody starts locking the gate!"
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Weird News
Malfunction sells gas at super bargain
SAN ANTONIO (UPI) -- A "pump malfunction" sold premium gasoline for 38 cents a gallon to lucky customers for several hours at a San Antonio convenience store, the manager says. Jim Duke, manager of the Dill Food Mart, said he checked it out Thursday after watching an unusually large crowd gassing up at one particular pump Wednesday afternoon. "I was inside and they were paying at the pump and nobody came in so nobody told me what was happening," Duke told WOAI-AM. He found to his chagrin that "a decimal point had slipped" and instead of selling premium gas for $3.89 a gallon, the pump was dispensing it for 38 cents a gallon. "We lost a lot of money," Duke said, although he wasn't sure how much. Business was way down at that pump Thursday afternoon.
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Father and son hit holes in one
NEWTON, Mass. (UPI) -- A Massachusetts man said he scored a hole in one at a Newton, Mass., golf course one week after his father achieved a similar feat at the same course. Brian Hurley, 36, said he sank his 167-yard hole in one on the par-3 seventh hole of the Newton Commonwealth Golf Course Sunday, exactly one week after his father, Bill, 65, struck his own 145-yard hole in one on the 16th hole, also a par-3 hole, The Boston Globe reported. "I've been working here for three years, and we only get a handful of holes in one a year," said Gerry Zegarelli, 21, who works in the Newton Commonwealth Golf Course pro shop. "To see two people from the same family make a hole in one in the same week is pretty impressive."
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Dummy coyotes fool humans, not geese
HAMMOND, Ind. (UPI) -- Indiana officials said they plan to remove decoy coyotes from islands on Wolf Lake after they failed to scare off geese but successfully fooled motorists. Officials said the dummy coyotes failed to stop geese from feeding on fresh plantings on the islands -- although they did spark multiple calls from motorists who believed the decoys to be stranded dogs, the Gary (Ind.) Post-Tribune reported. "We've been getting calls from neighbors and people driving by, 'There's a dog trapped on the island!'" Hammond Port Authority Director Milan Kruszynski said. Army Corps of Engineers contractor J.W. New placed the two-dimensional coyote cutouts on the islands last year, intending to scare off geese and ducks. A spokesman for the contractor said the items were initially effective. "The geese are very wary of them, then eventually they figure it out," J.W. New spokesman Jon Dittmar said. He said he can understand how some motorists may have been fooled by the dummy dogs. "They're very striking when you first come upon them. I could see how it would be for someone driving by at 70 mph," Dittmar said.
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Supermarket Composure
In the supermarket a man was pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby.
The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don´t get excited, Albert; don´t scream, Albert; don´t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I´m Albert."
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Charitable LawyerMr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"