A lady called the police to report that her husband was missing.
The police arrived and asked for a description of her husband. She told them that he was
The police proceeded to go next door to ask the neighbor if she had any information about the man. The lady next door, astonished at the description given to the police by her neighbor, told the police, "That's not true . He's
After the police left, the neighbor went to ask why the woman had given the police a false description of her husband.
She replied, "Just because I reported him missing doesn't mean I want him back!"
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Ageing Jokes
These are a few of my favorite things . . .
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets,
and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
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Dividing
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
Submitted by:Brknshll
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George Burns Quotes
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
At my age flowers scare me.
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
For thirty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman - it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
How can I die? I'm booked.
I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
When I was a boy the
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
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Q: How did beans affect Little Vernie's intestines?
A: They rectum.