Remembering BirthdaysBecause I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friend's and relative's birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.His reply: "Have you tried a wife?"
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The Perfect Spouse
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?" The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?" "Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman. The results read, "Buy a television."
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Dishonest Lawyer
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict: "Manslaughter!" Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. "Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"
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Dumb Jocks
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _______." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
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Intelligence
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
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Away From His Desk
As the boss was leaving the office to play golf, he
instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was
away from his desk.
Shortly after he left, a member of his foursome called to
find out which course they were playing that day. The loyal
girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he five miles away
from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty
miles away from his desk?"
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"How about that Michael Phelps? Eight Olympic gold medals.
To me, that's not the most impressive thing. The guy is
actually swimming home from China." -David Letterman
***
"Sen. Hillary Clinton addressed the convention. It was a
highly anticipated speech. People were curious as to how
strongly she would endorse her former foe. She said what-
ever your feelings about the primaries, now is the time
for the Democrats to put aside their differences and
rally behind Mr. Potato Ears." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"The Republican Convention starts next week. John McCain's
campaign told President Bush that despite his low popularity,
he will be allowed to speak at the first night of the con-
vention. They told Bush the convention starts in December."
-Conan O'Brien
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Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends
were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke
was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he
was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No
one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this
couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't dis-
rupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple
was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room,
Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had
always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that
he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down
to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for
two."
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make
that five."
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Marketing VP: Why haven't you kept me up-to-date on this
account?
Ops Guy: I've cc'd you on every e-mail I sent to them!
Marketing VP: I don't have time to read my e-mails. There's
too much information in them. If you send me an important
e-mail, give me a call to let me know I need to check it.
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Weird News
'Supersede' most often misspelled
GLASGOW, Scotland (UPI) -- Collins Dictionaries of Britain said its researchers have estimated that the most commonly misspelled word in the English language is "supersede." The company said the word is misspelled one out of every 10 times it is used because many other words with phonetically similar endings -- such as intercede and precede -- are spelled with the letter "c" instead of "s," The Daily Telegraph reported. The researchers said they arrived at their conclusions by using a software program that went through thousands of documents available on the Internet, including published books, blogs and news articles. Collins said other commonly misspelled words -- including conscience, indict, foreign, mortgage and phlegm -- are challenging because they their spelling is different from their phonetic pronunciations. "The real spelling problems occur when people have (learned) the rules or have a bit of knowledge, but then make mistakes in how they apply this," said Ian Brookes, the managing editor of dictionaries at Collins.
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Zoo's mating apes awaken residents
BRISTOL, England (UPI) -- England's Bristol Zoo has announced its pair of gibbons have been given a curfew to prevent their mating songs from disturbing sleeping neighbors. The zoo said the gibbons, Duana, 7, and Samuel, 11, will be confined to their housing units on "Gibbon Island" for three nights a week, after Bristol residents complained that the loud singing that makes up part of the primates' mating ritual has been waking them up in the early morning hours, The Daily Telegraph reported Monday. Bristol City Council upheld the noise complaints after environmental health officers monitored the singing for several nights. The gibbons were previously allowed outside whenever they wished through use of a door in their housing unit. "The gibbons are very noisy at daybreak and in the evening. The female, in particular, makes a very distinctive call," said Phyllis Farmer, a resident who lives near the zoo. "There was no one supervising them after 6 p.m. and they more or less had the run of the place. There is a school very close to the zoo and they must hear them all the time. I wondered if one of the pupils sitting exams might be bright enough to write on his paper that he couldn't concentrate because of the noise."
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"Cinnamon Rolls"
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years."