As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's one
day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something
terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be
hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please,
God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
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Little Vernie walked up to the librarian to check out a book
entitled "COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he
answered 'no.'
"Then why are you checking it out?"
"Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started
collecting moths last month!"
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Smelling and Hearing
An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.
The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage. Now we'll have to work on your hearing."
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New Years Resolutions You Can Keep
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
14. Start being superstitious.
15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
18. Personal goal: bring back disco.
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Went to a Fortune Teller
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
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Very Hostile Farmer
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
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Strange Facts
"One pound of fat is equal to about 3500 calories."
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Dents RepairBlondes
This is a Certified Clean Blonde Joke!
A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!
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Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith's house was egged.
"egg" Lovie Smith's house last night.
The report stated: "An empty egg carton was recovered at the
scene. Two eggs hit Mr. Smith's house, three eggs went over
his house and hit his neighbor's back door, two eggs hit the
houses of each of his next-door neighbors, and the remaining
three eggs were found broken on the ground near the carton
from where the individual threw them. Looking at what was
hit, police officials say they are considering Bears
quarterback Rex Grossman as the primary suspect."
(For those who don't know, Grossman hasn't been playing too
well of late.)
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"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have
you noticed that? That's mostly from the siphoning, but still
it's a horror." -Jay Leno
***
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger on Thursday rushed to the aid
of a 12-year-old student who had fainted during an event at
his school. When the student came to and saw Schwarzenegger
rushing toward him, he died." -Seth Meyers
***
"I like Ralph Nader, he looks like the doctor you go to have
the bullet removed. John McCain, on the other hand, he looks
like the guy who has to be told to close his robe."
-David Letterman
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Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her
husband explained to their young children that they would
be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were
told they would not be arriving at their destination until
after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we
there yet?"
After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old
daughter perked up, "Is it dark yet?"
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A big, beefy, leather-wearing, biker type fellow walks into
a bar, slams his fist down, and demands in a loud voice,
"Give me a bottle of beer, or else...!"
Scared, the bartender serves the man his beer. This happens
every day for a week straight, and the bartender turns into
a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells
him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done,
he thinks, but he decides to try it.
The next day, the biker returns.
"Give me a bottle of beer, or else...!"
"O-o-o-or else w-w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"Or I'll take a draft if you're out of bottles."
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Rules for Life
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are;
- You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape.
- Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
- And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.