Construction Noise
During a beautiful spring afternoon, I was attending a music
festival. Just as I stopped to listen to a folk singer, a group of
exhibitors, dragging out tools and sawhorses, began setting up their
display booth nearby. All their shouting and hammering made it
difficult to enjoy the music. The noise they made got louder and even
more obnoxious and intrusive as time went on.
Finally, to everyone's relief, they completed the construction.
As a finishing touch, they hung a sign on their booth. It read
"Silent Auction."
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Back in Kentucky, you didn't see too many people
hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a
hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after
struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He
takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he
goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing
talkin' about the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest
bird she had ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird,
Paw!" she exclaims. Paw straightens up and says, "Git my
gun, Maw."
She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He
takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The
monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the tree
tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
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A redneck girl went on a trip to Italy with her father. When they returned
from their tour, she informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities,
but most of all he loved Venice.
"Venice, huh?" said the friend. "I can understand why your father would like
Venice with its gondolas and all."
"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it best
because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."
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A young soldier was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C. He spent his spare time
fishing in the backwaters of the Intercostals Waterway. Soon he became a
guide of sorts for some senior noncommissioned officers. Once, a chief
master sergeant hooked a 20-pond striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto
the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the
water.
He noticed a puzzled look on the face of the young soldier. He explained,
"Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes
than I do."
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"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that
seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she
has any cute friends." - Scott Ostler
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They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for the church ladies who type them. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be cycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment And gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
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THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW, AND SHOULD KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of
cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on
hemp (marijuana) paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne
will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the
top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of
Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were
misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who
had red eyes. He was
albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the
wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother
and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous
system; a few ounces will
kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing
up into the shark's
stomach from underneath, causing the shark to
explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales. (eeww)
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland
because he doesn't wear
pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper'
and 'lower' because in
the time when all original print had to be set in
individual letters, the
upper case' letters were stored in the case on top
of the case that stored
the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and
draw with the other at
the same time; hence, multi-tasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out
during World War II
were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling
casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter
Pan; there was never a
recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme
with: orange, purple,
and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it
took him 10 years to
paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make
it instantly go mad
and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original
"Halloween" was a
Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in
coins without being
able to make change for a dollar.
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your
back, you can't sink in
quicksand. (And you thought this list was completely
useless.)
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an
old English law, which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with
anything wider than your
thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop
was a record player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on
the market was the
Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more
calories to eat a piece of
celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's
the same with apples!
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you
from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified
kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for
being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before
they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel a lot
safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and
Kobe Bryant are still
walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take
the ONE woman in
America willing to cook, clean, and work in the
yard, and they haul her
off to jail."