Delivery Suspicion
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I
first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house,
I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left
in the door.
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Since a friend of mine is rather overweight, whenever she flies, she requests a seat belt extender from the flight attendant.
On a recent trip, she was removing the belt when she noticed it had a small brass plate etched with a statement that the belt was in compliance with the Federal Aviation Admininistration Technical Standard Order specifying the construction of such extenders.
However, what she saw at the time was the engraved message: Conforms to FAATSO
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Dressing Down"
When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks.
A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look, like, twenty years younger.
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CleanQuote
"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad." - Julian Wakefield
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"The Fatherhood Cycle"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."
7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."
12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."
14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."
21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?"
25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."
30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."
35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."
40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."
50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."
60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man."
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A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
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The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
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"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64
to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s
jive talk." --Tina Fey
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"The Foot Rule"
There is a formula for figuring out how bed space is allocated. It is called the "FootRule". You start by determining the total number of feet (as in those at the end of the legs, not the kind made up by inches). Then you divide that total by the number of feet belonging to the person(s) or dog(s) in question.
This is how it works:
You and husband share your bed with 1 dog. You and your spouse total 4 feet and the dog also has 4 feet. That is a total of 8 feet. The dog has 4 out of
8 feet or 50%, therefore, the dog gets 50% of the bed.
You could work this in reverse as well. You have 2 out of 8 feet or 25% and so does your spouse, so each of you gets 25% and the dog gets 50%.
Now I have 5 dogs. At 4 feet per dog, that is 20 feet. Add to that my 2 feet and we have a total of 22 feet in the bed. I have 2 out of 22 feet which is 1/11th or 9.1% of the bed. The dogs, since they share a total of 20 of 22 feet, get 10/11ths or 90.9% of the bed. Simple isn't it?!
Once I figured out my percentage of the bed space, the next step was to work out the exact area that I am entitled to. My bed is a California King which is approximately 6 ft x 7 ft. Here is the math:
6 ft x 7 ft = 42 square feet
42 square feet = 6048 square inches
9.1% of 6048 = 550 square inches
550 square inches = 45.8 total inches
45.8 inches = 3.8 total feet
In order to determine the exact size of my bed space, I needed to know the percentage of length to width - this comes out to 54% long to 46% wide. When I apply these percentages to my spot:
550 square inches x 54% = 297 square inches 550 square inches x 46% = 253 square inches
297 square inches = 24.7 inches
253 square inches = 21.1 inches
24.7 inches = 2.1 feet
21.1 inches = 1.8 feet
Now that the math's are all done, the figures show that the dimensions of my part of the bed are 2.1 feet by 1.8 feet or in other words, I sleep on my pillow.
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One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her
classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought
she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a
damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
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Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by
his farm and noticed his barn was on fire. "Your barn's burning down," he
yelled.
"I know it," replied Jeb.
"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.
"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"
"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.
"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.
"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?" asked Jeb's
friend.
"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
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Let he who is without aim cast the first stone.