Monday, December 19, 2005

hUMOR For Dec. 19th

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Natural Antibiotic "
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.
I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
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CleanQuote
"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction."
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Today's Illustration.
- "Empathy"
A Sunday school teacher was telling her youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. To illustrate the lesson she had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. Suddenly, one little girl started to cry.
The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel."
Snubbing back sobs and tears the girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get anything to eat."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
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"Signs that the Starship Enterprise is Nearing the End of It's Warranty"
- Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
- Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
- Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
- Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.
- Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
- Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
- Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
- Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
- Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
- Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
- Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
- Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
- Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
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"THE WRENCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS" will continue in a
day or two, Lord willing.

Some of these daily posts are pretty big of late, but
just skip over what you don't want to read and all
will be well.

Here is a great piece I meant to get out a few days
ago, as the author graciously offered me an exclusive
and messed around and failed to take advantage of it
in time.

All the same, thanks BC:

YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A……….JESUS!

In my youth I remember always hearing the phrase
“Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus” In the
ignorance of youth I associated it with someone trying
to prove to the state I love so dear that there was in
fact a Kris Kringle. In later years I learned that
Virginia was actually Virginia O’Hanlon, who had
written a letter to the editor asking if Jolly Old St.
Nicholas was real.[1] Through the years, The Jolly
Old Elf, Santa, has been able to remain a constant of
the Christmas Season. Jesus, however, has been all but
barred from the holiday. Merry Christmas has been
replaced with “Season’s Greetings.” Christmas trees
are now, in many places, “Holiday Trees.” Nativity
scenes can no longer be placed on public grounds,
while images of Santa and the reindeer are allowed to
fly through the city.

If Virginia O’Hanlon were to write her letter today it
might go something like this:

Yes, Virginia, There is a Jesus

Dear Editor—

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there
is no JESUS. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun,
it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Jesus?

Virginia O’Hanlon

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have
been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age.
They do not believe except they see: “blessed are they
that have not seen, and yet have believed (John
20:29).” They think that nothing can be which is not
comprehensible by their little minds “For now we see
through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I
know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am
known (1 Corinthians 13:12). All minds, Virginia,
whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In
this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an
ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless
world about him, as measured by the intelligence
capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Jesus. He exists as
certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist,
and you know that they abound and give to your life
its highest beauty and joy: “God is love” (1 John
4:16). Alas! how dreary would be the world if there
were no Jesus: “In him was life; and the life was the
light of men!” (John 1:4). It would be as dreary as if
there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike
faith then (Except ye be converted, and become as
little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom
of heaven, Matthew 18:3), no poetry, no romance to
make tolerable this existence. We should have no
enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external
light with which childhood fills the world would be
extinguished.

Not believe in Jesus! You might as well not believe in
Santa. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in
all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa
Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming
down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Jesus, but
that is no sign that there is no Jesus. The most real
things in the world are those that neither children
nor men can see. Nobody can conceive or imagine all
the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the
world.

You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes
the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the
unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the
united strength of all the strongest men that ever
lived could tear apart. Only faith, can push aside
that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty
and glory beyond: “By a new and living way, which he
hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to
say, his flesh” (Hebrews 10:20). Is it all real? Ah,
Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real
and abiding

No Jesus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A
thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000
years from now, he will continue to make glad the
heart of childhood.
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'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

(2001)

'Twas The Night Before Christmas,
He Lived All Alone,
In A One Bedroom House Made Of
Plaster And Stone.

I Had Come Down The Chimney
With Presents To Give,
And To See Just Who
In This Home Did Live.

I Looked All About,
A Strange Sight I Did See,
No Tinsel, No Presents,
Not Even A Tree.

No Stocking By Mantle,
Just Boots Filled With Sand,
And On The Wall Pictures
Of Far Distant Lands.

With Medals And Badges,
Awards Of All Kinds,
A Sobering Thought
Came To My Mind.

For This House Was Different,
So Dark And So Dreary,
The Home Of A Soldier,
Now I Could See Clearly.

The Soldier Lay Sleeping,
Silent, Alone,
Curled Up On The Floor
In This One Bedroom Home.

The Face Was So Gentle,
The Room In Such Disorder,
Not How I Pictured
A United States Soldier.

Was This The Hero
Of Whom I'd Just Read?
Curled Up On A Poncho,
The Floor For A Bed?

I Realized The Families
That I Saw This Night,
Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers
Who Were Willing To Fight.

Soon Round The World,
The Children Would Play,
And Grownups Would Celebrate
A Bright Christmas Day.

They All Enjoyed Freedom
Each Month Of The Year,
Because Of The Soldiers,
Like The One Lying Here.

I Couldn't Help Wonder
How Many Lay Alone,
On A Cold Christmas Eve
In A Land Far From Home.

The Very Thought
Brought A Tear To My Eye,
I Dropped To My Knees
And Started To Cry.

The Soldier Awakened
And I Heard A Rough Voice,
"Santa Don't Cry,
This Life Is My Choice;

I Fight For Freedom,
I Don't Ask For More,
My Life Is My God,
My Country, My Corps."

The Soldier Rolled Over
And Soon Drifted To Sleep,
I Couldn't Control It,
I Continued To Weep.

I Kept Watch For Hours,
So Silent And Still,
And We Both Shivered

>From The Cold Evening's Chill.

I Didn't Want To Leave
On That Cold, Dark, Night,
This Guardian Of Honor
So Willing To Fight.

Then The Soldier Rolled Over,
With A Voice Soft And Pure,
Whispered, "Carry On Santa,
It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure."

One Look At My Watch,
And I Knew He Was Right.
"Merry Christmas My Friend,
And To All A Good Night."

(Author Unknown)
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Thanks to Marti -- ANSWERS FROM YESTERDAY

1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand
controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60's
to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a
steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and
expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing
a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored
water.

8 a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you
wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools
were closed, movies and other public gathering places
were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head
with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was
another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a
high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be
traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good
today..

SCORING

17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously
gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only
find your glasses. Definitely someone who should
share your wisdom!

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting
there.

0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the
wisdom of your experiences.

Send this to your friends with your score in the
subject line.