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Great Cheese
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal
that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into
the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a
month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese.
Ours is imported!"
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Bike Training
Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child, I finally decided to do it in my late twenties. My boyfriend, William, offered to teach me, and we headed to the park for my first lesson. He held on to the seat as I wobbled down a path. My self-consciousness was just beginning to disappear when I saw a father, teaching his little daughter to ride a bike, approaching.
As we passed, I was mortified when William said to the dad, "They grow up so fast, don't they?"
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CleanQuote.
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." - Wendell Johnson
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Superstition
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Car ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a world-wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
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Elvis Presley's Senior Citizen Song
Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day...
When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding, are your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, and its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain...do your knees predict
rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Is your blood pressure up, your cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low-fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot, keeps
you like a well-oiled machine.
If it's football, or baseball...he sure knows the
score.
Yes, he knows where it's at...but forgets what it's
for.
So, your gall bladder's gone, and his gout lingers on.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
When you're hungry, he's not.
When you're cold, then he's hot.
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light, he goes left, you go
right.
Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic, and witty and smart.
How'd he turn out to be such a cranky old goat?
So don't take any bets, this is as good as it gets.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
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She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
....she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
....she thought a quarterback was a refund.
....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
....she thought General Motors was in the army.
....she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
....under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she tripped over a cordless phone
....she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice
can because it said "concentrate."
....she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK"
and "DON'T WALK."
....at the bottom of the application where it says
"sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
....she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she studied for a blood test.
....she sold the car for gas money!
....when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus
twice instead.
....when she went to the airport and saw a sign that
said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around
the home, she moved.
....she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
....if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
....she thought that she could not use her AM radio in
the eve
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(NOTE: If you haven't
eaten yet, you might want to wait on this one...)
Coldwater
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a
very secluded, rural area of the state he lived .
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He
noticed a film like substance on his plate and he
questioned, "Grandfather, .are these plates clean? "
His grandfather replied....those plates are as clean
as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your
meal.
Later on that after noon, while eating the hamburgers
his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
around the edge of his plate, and a substance that
looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked again.
"Grandfather, are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says......I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!
Still later on that afternoon, he decided to get
dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his
Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let
him pass ... "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.
"
Without diverting his attention from the baseball game
his Grandfather as watching, he shouted........
"COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!"