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Excuses, Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative
excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the
officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had
been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there,"
he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was
not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver
whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went
by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79
mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor,"
he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this
fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're
going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill
Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you
been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was
getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
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"Bad Day Sign"
You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says,
"Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"
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Today's Oneliner
"If Alexander Graham Bell had a teenage daughter, he never would have invented the telephone."
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"Quarter Horse"
One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?"
As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."
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JUST CURIOUS
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma
answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how old
would you be if you let go?"
THE TITHING
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the
ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came
near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy.
I'm under five."
THE BLESSING
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do
you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a good
cook!"
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Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a preacher who said, "Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?"
"Hang on, Padre" spluttered Murphy. "How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgment when you've never tasted the stuff?"
"Very well," said the man of the cloth. "I'll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass."
"Okay," said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.
"I'll have a large gin," he said to the barman. "And can you put it in a cup?"
"Good grief," said the barman, "that preacher's not outside again is he?"
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Get your thinking cap on, a horrible pun
follows...Take Out Talk
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and
sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he
grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the
counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice
say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE
choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and
doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to
him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his
mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin',
my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He
glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which
he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of
peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That
suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look.
I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my
tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that?
Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the
peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at
the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "?they're complimentary."
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TRUE E-MAIL ADDICT
There's dust on all the furniture; the garden's gone
to seeds.
The hamper's full of dirty clothes; the lawn is
growing weeds.
The clothes I wear are wrinkled, for an iron they
haven't seen.
The vacuum cleaner sits unused; my house is far from
clean.
We mostly live on take-out foods. I have no time to
cook.
I'm not sure what remains undone, and I'm afraid to
look.
What takes my time and energy? You ask in wonderment.
What causes fascination, and what makes my life
content?
What do I feel compelled to check a dozen times a day?
What causes such delight I simply cannot stay away?
What keeps my phone line tied up, so a busy tone you
get?
In case you haven't guessed by now -- I'm on the
Internet.
My E-mail holds me spellbound, and an Addict I must
be,
For I can't wait to find out what my Inbox holds for
me.
So please forget the things you have in mind for me to
do.
I'll maybe think about them when my E-mail tasks are
through.
[swiped by] Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...Ross PROUD
father of an American Soldier
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats: Senior Version of Jesus
Loves Me
Jesus loves me, this I know
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim
Still He bids me trust in him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES. JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow.
With my hand in his I'll go
On through life, let come what may He'll be there too
lead the way
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though I am no longer young,
I have much which he's begun
Let me serve Christ with a smile.
Go with other's the" extra mile
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart he puts a song,
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have not fear, for I am near."
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
When my work on earth is done,
And life's vic'tries have been won
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand his love
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
I love Jesus, does he know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say
That I love him every day.
Yes, I love Jesus,
Yes, I love Jesus,
Yes, I love Jesus
I'll trust Him and obey!
If you think this is neat, please pass it on to all of
your Senior friends, after all we are all God's
children.