Harold the Computer Guy
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold,
the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of
buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a
minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was
wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but I nonetheless inquired,
"An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it
again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold...
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"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches of
government. Well, that's because the three stooges are more likely to get
something done." - David Letterman
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Retail Experience
Rossi was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role. Rossi looks at Abe's resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before. Rossi says to Abe, "What chutzpah, if you don't mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." "Well I suppose I am," Abe replies, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."
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A conceited new rookie
A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game. The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going.
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He didn't kick too much
A few days ago my daughter, who is expecting her third child, was telling the other two children that this baby is kicking alot. She further explained that when she had the first one, Mikey, he didn't kick too much. Mikey gently said to his mother "Mom, do you know why I didn't kick you too much? Because I knew you were my Mommy". Out of the mouths of our sweet babes.
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Knock KnockWho's there?Brewster!Brewster who?Brewsters can wake you up in the morning singing cock-a-doodle doo! Knock KnockWho's there?Bridget!Bridget who?London Bridget, is falling down, falling down...! Knock KnockWho's there?Brie!Brie who?Brie me my supper!
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Skinny People!Skinny people irritate me. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
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Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will
instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after
you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives
-- then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If
it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't
move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know
them.
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I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine,
I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I
could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
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DICTIONARY FOR PERSONAL ADS
40ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No boobs
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Voluptuous = Overweight
Free Spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = One night stand
Fun = Annoying
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Wants Soul Mate = Stalker
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We've come so far that community service is considered punishment.