hUMOR For April 8th

”Quality of Life”

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

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How it all began

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

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Navigation Joke

"Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"

"You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat.

"Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.

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Niece and Nephew

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!”

She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

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Moving

I saw a garbage truck driving yesterday. You never told me you were moving.

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"Overdue Rent"
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat.

He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he thought about least of all was his rent.

As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.

"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the verge of making some sales."

"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."

"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some day this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"

"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say it tomorrow morning."

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CleanQuote

"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive."
- C.S. Lewis

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Illustration - "Childhood"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's
measurements: 36-22-36.

"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"

The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"

Rory got to spend the night.

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Who's the Strongest

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. “I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, John had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said “All right. Get in.”

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Deer Crossing

Ok, so I live in this semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no loger wanted them to cross there.

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Mind of a six-year-old

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

Vernie raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy moley! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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Stupid

One day theres a couple of kids in a psychology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class “stand up if u think you’re stupid!” after about 5 minutes Little Johnny stood up and the teacher says “do you think you’re stupid Johnny?”

To which Little Johnny replies “No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!”

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"Kitten Revival"

A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work.

A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said, "Johnny, stop that! You'll drown those kittens."

Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice: "They should had thought of that before they joined my church."

hUMOR For April 7th

Sensitive Men

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

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Politically Speaking

"My uncle ran for Senate last year."

"Really? What does he do now?"

"Nothing. He got elected."

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Good Investment

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

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"Hillary Clinton is coming under fire for claiming she was

under fire while she was in Bosnia. Luckily, she was wearing

her Kevlar pantsuit at the time." -Jay Leno

***

"Ringling Bros. Circus is in Madison Square Garden, but I

don't think I'm going to the circus this year; if I want

to see clowns at Madison Square Garden, I'll go to a Knicks

game." -David Letterman

***

"Some kids found what might be D.B. Cooper's parachute. He's

wanted by the FBI for stealing $200,000. MC Hammer called

the kids; he said he wants his pants back." -Craig Ferguson

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Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of

Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know,

the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first

man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on

the moon was from Ohio."

"Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio,"

he observed.

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I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder

with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal

experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates

my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm

tense.

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered

to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."

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The Perfect Man
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman...

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star - and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow.”

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Air-To-Ground Speeding Ticket
Latest California radar detection system...

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar, California. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset, and then it turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:


Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.

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Something Sounds Fishy
“Not tonight Dear – I’ve got a haddock...”

It was February the 29th, being a leap year. I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My barracuda was in the shop so I was in a rented stingray and it was overheating, so I pulled into a shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, “Fix the darn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal.”

While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive, but I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said, “Hi, Gill!” (you have to yell, he's hard of herring.) Gill was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water.

I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured me the usual, rusty snails, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the Mako. I slipped him a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids, just for the halibut.

Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole! Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna, 'Salmon Chanted Evening', and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player.

One of them was this cute little yellow tail, and she was giving me the eye, so I figured this was my chance for a little fun, you know, a piece of pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom, she was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure.

Boy could she drink, she drank like a... She drank a lot! I said, “What's your sign?” She said, “Aquarium.” I said, “Great, let’s get tanked!” I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, “Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows.” She threw me that same old line, “Not tonight, I got a haddock.” And she wasn't kidding either cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I've ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with muscle.

He came over to me and said, “Listen, shrimp, don't you come crawling around here.” What a crab! This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said, “Aaa bologna. You're just being shellfish.” Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so did Gill because he was already on the phone to the cods.

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel, kelpless. I said, “Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon.”

Well, the yellow tail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and she said, “Hey big boy, you're really a game fish, what's your name?” I said, “Marlin.” Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders, and then I went home with her. Why knot? She was a-lure-ing. But what did I get for my troubles? A case of the clams.