AMUSING QUOTE
"When I was born I was so surprised,
I didn't talk for a year and a half." ~Gracie Allen
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Feeling OldWhen my granddaughter was about five years old she said, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you."It brought tears to my eyes upon hearing what I thought was a wonderful compliment. Of course, I had to ask, "Why do you want to be like me?"She replied, "Because when I get old I still want to be alive too."
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Ham Dinner
My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill. "Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."
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Puppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this." The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
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Expensive Operation
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
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Albert Said It
All quotes by Albert Einstein "If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?" "The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible." "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." "Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value." "Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love." "You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother." "The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat." "When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!" "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S RELATIVITY." "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing." "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
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Personal Secretary
A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asked. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither. He's bald."
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A young minister
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. "But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. "The nut has gone to heaven.”
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True Courtroom Humor
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death.Q. And by whose death was it terminated? Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q. What is your name?A. Ernestine McDowell.Q. And what is your marital status?A. Fair. Q. Are you married?A. No, I’m divorced.Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?A. A lot of things I didn’t know about. Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
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Exam By Chance
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
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"We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath.
'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got
to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'"
--Brad Stine
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"Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job
that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally,
I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off."
--Buzz Nutley
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"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a
comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in
an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved
with violence." --Bill Maher
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A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea. or
three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that
sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
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I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see
me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down.
Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for
several weeks.
I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I
came by it, and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom
I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and ex-
claimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"
"The dog did it," I wearily replied.
A man standing next to us looked over at me and said
knowingly, "Ahh, you must own a boxer."