A Cat's Dictionary
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something. Human being: Automatic door opener for cats. Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines. Purrson: A male kitty. Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
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While touring the University with some college-bound friends, I saw an
advertisement that summed up the pre-college anxieties we were all feeling.
Posted in a campus restaurant was this sign for a credit-card company:
"Accepted at more colleges than you were."
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Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting
room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half,
shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into
the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking
completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little
old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now
you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
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Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
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Kidneys and Livers
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment." "So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend. "Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
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Airport Mix-Up
During the 'rush hour' at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, 'We apologise for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.' A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. 'Sorry,' he said, wrong plane.'
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Obvious relationship
Science has a language of its own which sometimes puzzles laymen. The word "obvious" is a case in point. A professor of physics, deriving some profound point of theory for the class, scribbled an equation on the board and said, "From this, it is obvious that we can proceed to write the following relationship..." and he scribbled a second and equally long equation on the board. Then he paused. He stared hard at the two equations and said, "Wait a minute, I may be wrong..." He sat down and began to write at his desk furiously, crossing out and rewriting for five minutes while the class sat in absolute silence waiting for the verdict. Finally, the professor rose with an air of satisfaction and said, "Yes, I was right in the first place. It *IS* obvious that the second equation follows from the first."
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Thoughts On Aging
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two. - You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. - Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. - Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds? - You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. - Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. - By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. - A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. - You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
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Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to
fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His
brother, of course, agreed.
It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle,
however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the
deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the
service.
As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he
nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied.
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Never do anything that you'd be ashamed to tell a paramedic.
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"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and
swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his
situation say so far, no change." --Jay Leno
***
"A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish
- the language that is spoken in 'The Lord of The Rings'. Not
surprisingly the Elvish language has no words for girl, date
or kiss." --Conan O'Brien
***
"The man responsible for making popcorn a movie theater snack
has passed away. His family was going to get him a regular
casket, but then decided to get the extra large one was the
better deal because it came with a medium Coke."
--David Letterman
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An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a
Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install
them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are
"not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy
slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't
initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a
Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks
appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work,
and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to
format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for
the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
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Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the
earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks,
"Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them
aimed at themselves."
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Service for One
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found
only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked
to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming,
so we should probably cancel service today"
The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young
preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout
preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I
went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed
'em"
This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45
minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the
pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.
The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much
bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if
I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't
give 'em the whole bale."