”Breakfast Order”
A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order.
He says: "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards."
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and says to the cook. "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this is, an auto parts store?"
"No" the cook says. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh," says the waitress.
The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says, "What are the beans for?"
The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."
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Pronouns
Teacher: Vernie, name two pronouns.
Vernie: Who, me?
Teacher: Very good!
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Corruption
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
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Questions, Questions, Questions!
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
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Reasons to Become a Nurse
- Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
- Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
- Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
- Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.
- Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
- Interesting aromas.
- Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
- Celebrate the holidays with all your friends.....at work.
- Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
- Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
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Slow vs. Fast
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
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The Salesman's Robot
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of
unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up
trying to get him to change. One day John came home with
another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that
John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their
11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over
two hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late
getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra
credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around
the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of
his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us
where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went
around to Tommy and slapped him again, knocking him off his
chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up from
the floor, sat down, and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really
watched an R-rated movie."
"I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age,
I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to
John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of
his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said,
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad
with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and
knocked her out of her chair.
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"It's the last weekend in
the cell phone without a headset. Starting Tuesday, if you
are caught talking on the phone without a hands-free device,
you get hit with a $20 fine. One nice thing — now that I
will have my hands free, it's easier to return gun fire with
other motorists." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"My mother was as religious as she was repressed. Her facts
of life speech began with the phrase, 'Satan takes many
forms...'" -Dana Gould
***
"They say that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray,
which is a good thing to remember the next time you get
lonely." -Fred Stoller
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A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house,
which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate
agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day
to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk
to anyone about the house.
One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and
asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first
reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became
more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one
secret but she could not tell it to him.
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret.
I promise I won't tell anyone."
She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, "We have
monsters in our sewer."
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In the office where I work, there is a constant battle
between our technical-support director and customer-service
personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too
low.
The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his
position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the
temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers
will overheat."
Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my
shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they
keep the computers from overheating before there was air
conditioning?"
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"Bear Flight"
During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Amerians, from
As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear."
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CleanQuote
"Anyone who's led a flawless life is hopelessly imperfect."
- Yasha Harari