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Every Word
A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Fine: A tax for doing wrong. Tax: A fine for doing well."
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A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and
missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball
and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm also the greatest pitcher in the world!"
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Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "What was that for?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.
The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that with me.'"
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Fish Heads
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick
wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his
voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and
faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of
them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining
that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more
fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I
can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
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Baseball in HeavenTwo ninety-one year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day."Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."And shortly after that, Sam passes on.It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he isawakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,"Moe.... Moe....""Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?""Moe, it's me, Sam.""Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died.""I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!""Sam? Is that you? Where are you?""I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news.""So, tell me the good news first," says Moe."The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!""Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But,what's the bad news?""You're pitching next Tuesday!"
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Good Ol' Boys
This IT manager works at a manufacturing plant where, he says, friendship
is thicker than employment.
"Management has often suspected some of the good ol' boys clocking in their
buddies who routinely come in late," he reports. "The union contract
specifically stated no surveillance systems are allowed, and management
couldn't prove anything until the day one of the gang called in sick
shortly after his shift started -- but he was already clocked in!"
Plant boss is at his wits' end. But the manager gets an idea. He's already
made friends with one of the plant's more popular workers, who likes to
tinker with computers, and fish thinks the guy might be willing to help.
"I was happy to give him obsolete equipment and help him with computer
problems, so we'd built a nice rapport," he says. "And he was an honest
fellow -- in fact, he was quite upset that the others were stealing from
the company.
"So the morning after a long holiday weekend, he went out and stood by the
time clock with a laptop and looked up at a dark area of the ceiling 45
feet high. Then he looked at the screen and hit some random keys.
"He did this a few times until he made sure some of the workers noticed him
out there, and then went back into the office.
A little while later, the manager sends the worker out to stand by the
clock and wave his hand at the ceiling. After a minute or two, he comes out
of the office and tells him, "That's great, thanks."
It's not long before other shop workers ask their co-worker what he was
doing. "He just replied, 'Oh, nothing,' with a big grin," the manager says.
"They said, 'They put in a camera system, didn't they?' to which the worker
just replied, 'I don't know what you're talking about.'
"Rumors of a surveillance system spread like wildfire. The union obviously
couldn't prove that a camera system was installed, because there never was
one.
"And the good ol' boys stopped clocking in their buddies -- because now
they thought they'd get caught for sure."