Friday, September 07, 2007

hUMOR For Sept 7th

Automated School Answering Service

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2To complain about what we do - Press 3 To cuss out staff members - Press 4To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8 To complain about bus transportation - Press 9To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's NOT the teacher's fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort - HANG UP and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!

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French DreamA boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!""Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?""I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."

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"My girlfriend just got glasses, and I think I'm in trouble.
I heard her upstairs looking in the mirror saying, 'Wait a
minute...I'm a model! Bye.'" --Chris Mancini

***

"I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I
grew hair under my arms instead." --Sue Kolinsky

***

"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get
a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean-
then they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a
package of Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small
children.' Where's the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right
next to the rest of the poisons." -Mike Bullard

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Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your
advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I
answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out
with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their
names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you
don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home,
but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the
sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has
gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she
wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it
was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly
snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysteri-
cally, screaming that I should never touch her personal
property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I
think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but
last night she went out again and I decided to really check
on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson
Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I
could get a good view of the street around the corner when
she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my
motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil
leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker
arm cover.

So... is this something I can easily repair myself or do you
think I should take it back to the dealer?

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Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my
sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should
pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the
refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

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Quotes from my Brother Vern

Well Doc, about the only exercise I get is jumping to conclusions, and pushing my luck.

While deep in the forest near his childhood Iowa home one hot summer day of 1950, Dan happened upon a family of talking monkeys. This struck his as highly noteworthy but how else could he convince anyone that he had found talking monkey that could speak unless he could capture several? His brilliant little brother, Vern, came up with a solution and ran back to the farm-house to get his ape recorder.

Dan gets the most of what he needs the least.

Electronics are easier to take apart than to put back together.

One dog is not enough, but two dogs are far too many.

Dan knows he lives in a small town when:

The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.

· Dan Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Dan Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked. "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature? Father Patrick replied. "I'm afraid not me lad; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'' Father Patrick exclaimed, Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! me lad; Why didn't ya'' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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Feeding the Baby
A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant. His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?" He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

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Ever Go Fishing?
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed; however, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked. "Uhhh, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

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Dog friends
A dog has lots of friends because he wags his tail and not his tongue.

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Devotion
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

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S. I. D. N. K.

During the Air Force Academy's basic cadet training, the new
cadets, known as doolies, go through a ten-day encampment
outdoors. Prior to being served in the chow tent, they are
required to do pullups and then get in line to answer
questions about the academy. If they answer correctly, they
are allowed to proceed inside. If not, they are sent to the
back of the line.

One doolie had been sent back a number of times because he
didn't reel off the answers. When the poor cadet came up
again, a sympathetic upperclassman asked him, "What does the
abbreviation S. I. D. N. K. stand for?"

The doolie bowed his head and replied, "Sir, I do not know."

"Right!" the upperclassman said. "Go on in there and get
some chow!"

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A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first
child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the
nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was
against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't
have?"

"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.