Sunday, September 07, 2008

hUMOR For Sept 7th

Going the Extra MileUK Northampton police summoned a van from 60 miles away (a 120 mile round trip) just to take a prisoner across the street because making him walk across the street would have violated his human rights."Mark Bailey, 35, was taken to a Crown Court but after a brief hearing sent immediately to the Magistrates' Court across the road. Police said Bailey could not be walked across the street in handcuffs because it would breach his human rights - so a van was scrambled from 60 miles away for the 30 second journey.""Brian Binley, Conservative MP for Northampton South, said: `I've never heard such nonsense. Why we should have to suffer such ludicrous incompetence, and pay for it, is beyond me.' "

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"Dog Growth"
A distraught dog owner called his vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth. The vet told him to bring the animal right over.
When the man came in, the vet examined the dog as the man stood by, anxiously waiting. At last the vet turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?"
"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.
"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."

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CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."

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Illustration - "The More" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The more generous we are,the more joyous we become.
The more cooperative we are,the more valuable we become.
The more enthusiastic we are,the more productive we become.
The more serving we are,the more prosperous we become.
The more outgoing we are,the more helpful we become.
The more curious we are,the more creative we become.
The more patient we are,the more understanding we become.
The more persistent we are,the more successful we become.
- William Arthur Ward

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Growing Old
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each. Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! The wife had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! The husband turned 90!

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A Woman's Dream
A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, middle-aged man enters. He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him. The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her. Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for $20... But, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is. The man replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address. She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says, "Clean my house!"

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Toilet Paper
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Not sure because it never happens.

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Wanna Play House?
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"

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Curses!
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klotschtein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr. Klotschtein."

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Regular or Premium
When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband. "It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."


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Open to Interpretation
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

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The Perfect Woman
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game. That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other. At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?' Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.' The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?' 'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

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Where is my Paper?

For all of us who are---seniors---for all of you who know seniors---and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

Where Is My Paper? Speaking of Senior Moments:

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday. There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

'So that's why no one was in church today.'