Red Skelton shared

Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Red Skelton shared his humor with us for decades. He did so without four-letter words and raunchy antics. Throughout his career, he gained the respect of his fellow performers and audiences alike, and always was considered a top entertainer in his field. As we deal with our myriad day-to-day problems, a little levity is a welcome respite in today's world.

Below are Mr. Skelton's tips for a happy marriage:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds, Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, " Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."

10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."

Maxine says...

Thanks to AB: Maxine says...

1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."

4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

5. Maxine on "Body Piercing" - "I'd get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head."

6. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

7. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."

8. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."