A mother was dropping her son off at a friend's house. She
said to him, "Will you be good while Mommy's gone?"
The boy replied, "If you give me a dollar!"
His mother shook her head and said to him, "Why can't you be
good for nothing like your father?!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Shakespearean in Dallas"
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.
"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns." - Jack Handey
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Refrigerator"
A man opens his refrigerator, and the mayonnaise yells, "Close the door! I'm dressing!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Antics Of A Retired Husband
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill
Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and
have considered banning the entire family from
shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are
attending counseling from the trouble your husband has
caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr.
Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and
watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put
a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in
if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help
him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;
used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the
antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and
screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!"
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: GOT TO LOVE ARKANSAS
A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire
estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it
'til she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas
hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak
in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a Arkansas red neck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his
pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age in Arkansas to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high
schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it
would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the
driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State
Lottery?
(Come on- this is funny!)
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The
library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in
flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of
them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a
couple gets divorced, they ARE still cousins.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"