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How Old?
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and
asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up
the other finger."
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Dog Stop
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."
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CleanQuote.
"People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention."
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The Invitation
A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi
for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the
Captain was more than a little surprised to receive
the following letter from the wife of a wealthy
plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming-of-age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."
Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a
rap at the door.
She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four
exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw
hit the floor, but pulling herself together she
stammered, "There must be some mistake!"
"Oh no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain
Martinez doesn't make mistakes."
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Norwegian Blonde Joke
You have to have lived in snow country to appreciate
this one.
A truck stops at a red light and a blonde catches up.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the
window. The girl says "Hi, my name is Kristina and
you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
The trucker stops for another red light and the girl
again catches up. She knocks on the door and the
trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is
Kristina and you are losing some of your load!" He
ignores her again and continues down the street. The
trucker stops for still another red light and the
girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on
the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again
she says, "Hi, y name is Kristina and you are losing
some of your load!"
He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then
stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches
the blonde girl and says: "Hi, my name is Kevin and I
am driving a SALT TRUCK!"
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The Pope...
The Pope was finishing his sermon and ended it with
the Latin phrase, "Tuti Hominus" -- Blessed be
mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next
day. They said we noticed that the Pope blessed all
mankind, but not womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by
saying, "Tuti Hominus et tuti Feminus." Blessed be
mankind and womankind.
The next day a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said they noticed that he blessed mankind and
womankind and asked if he could also bless all us
gays. The Pope said, "Sure." The next day he concluded
his sermon with: "Tuti hominus et tuti Feminus et Tuti
Fruity"