A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife
to drove his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few
blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed,
"Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
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On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait
to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms,
into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the
last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you
drive. I didn't know where I was going."
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I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with little Danny’s class of five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat little Danny-boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfwaythrough she leans over and says, " I just had a silent fart what doyou think I should do?"He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS."I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."
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"Watermelon Mistake"
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
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CleanQuote
"Chocolate is a perfect food, as wholesome as it is delicious, a beneficent restorer of exhausted power. It is the best friend of those engaged in literary pursuits."-Baron Justus von Liebig (1803-1873) German chemist
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"Security" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend who lives in NYC has six locks on his door; all in a row. When he goes out, he only locks every other one.
That way, no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking three.