Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is
describing his new Playstation 2 to John.
"Where did you get that?" John asked.
"I got it last night for Hanukkah," said Stan.
"What's Hanukkah?" John asked.
"It's the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night
for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights."
"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaimed. The next day on
the way to school, John runs up to Stan, curious to see what
he got. He sees that Stan is upset. "What's wrong? Where's
your present from last night?" asks John.
Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper. "It was
leftovers night."
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Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and
I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be
visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before
you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
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The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very
specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall
or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige
and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of
tan-colored paper.
"Your name?" I asked.
"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
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"There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Walter O'Malley. There's
nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's the way it is. We go through life
doing nothing for each other." - Gene Autry
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"Historical Application"
Steinberg needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications to get it. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview with the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the Sales Manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?" the manager asks.
"Oh yes, lots of it," replies Steinberg
"And you say you have a master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" the manager asks.
"That is correct," replies Steinberg. "American history is my field of study."
"Well, then," says the sales manager. "With these qualifications, as soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in our firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Steinberg, obviously pleased with himself, begins to look around the room. Steinberg notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the wall. Pointing to the portraits, Steinberg turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine-looking men. Your partners?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The road to success is marked with many tempting parking spaces."
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"Focus"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In December 1903, after many attempts, the Wright brothers were successful in getting their "flying machine" off the ground. Thrilled, they telegraphed this message to their sister Katherine: "We have actually flown 120 feet. Will be home for Christmas."
Katherine hurried to the editor of the local newspaper and showed him the message. He glanced at it and said, "How nice. The boys will be home for Christmas." He totally missed the big news--man had flown!
- Daily Bread, December 23, 1991