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Wine SecretThe secret to enjoying a good wine is:1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth.
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Old Goats
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
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The European Union commissioners have announced thatagreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferredlanguage for European communications, rather than German,which was the other possibility. As part of thenegotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that Englishspelling had some room for improvement and has accepted afive-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish(Euro for short).European officials have often pointed out that Englishspelling is unnecessarily difficult -- for example, cough,plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly neededis a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies.The program would, of course, be administered by a committeestaff at top level by participating nations.In the first year, for example, the committee would suggestusing 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servantsin all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then thehard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters arepronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion inthe minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be madewith one less letter.There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year,it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' wouldhenseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kanbe expekted to reash the stage where more komplikatedshanges are possible. Governments would enkourage theremoval of double letters, which have always been a deterentto akurate speling.We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in thelanguag is disgrasful. Therfor we kould drop thes andkontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. Bythis tim it would be four years sins the skem began andpeopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, zeunesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'.Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinationsof leters.Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav areli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mortrubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understandech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
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A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The storeowner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The storeowner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
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A man was sitting in a cafeteria next to a blonde woman who was
engrossed in her newspaper.
The bold headline read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news.
Then turning to the man she asked,
"How many is a Brazilian?"
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New DictionaryWhile I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supples. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'" He got his new dictionary.