When Snails Attack
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.
Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
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Banged Up
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to
"I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.
"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
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Three Questions
A man calls his lawyer and asks: How much would you charge me to answer three questions?
LAWYER: Four Hundred Dollars
MAN: That's a bit steep don't you think?
LAWYER: I suppose...What's you third question?
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Good Advice
A man approached a local person in a village he was
visiting.
"What's the quickest way to
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"
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Teaching Applicant
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: 'Let me see If I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
You want me to do all of this And then you tell me....
I CAN'T PRAY?
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Jose and Carlos are Panhandlers.
They panhandle on different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2 to $3 dollars
every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in
a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you
bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move
back to
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An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down
and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond.
The Amish farmer shouts, 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben
dahin gesheissen.' Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows s--t in it'.)
The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you.
I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of
Islam, speak to me in English.'
The Amish farmer replies, 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'
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IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it –
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"Restroom Use Policy"
FROM: Human Resources Department
SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.
Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.
If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.
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Oneliner
"Anarchy is better than no government at all."
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CleanPun - "Cabbies"
A cabbie is a fare-minded person.
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”Doctor's Orders”
A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."