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Library Lost and Found
Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She had used an emergency phone to call for help. Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue."
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CleanQuote.
"Always remember the first rule of public speaking: Be brief, no matter how long it takes."
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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the
altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs at his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going
to take all day, is it?"
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This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two goobers show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the goobers, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.She happens to look out the window and sees one of the goobers doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other goober and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The goober replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him."
"HEY NEIL! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
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Why ARE Men Happier ?
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from
such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn
a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking
to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all
seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.
Of course, men are happier...
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Defence Contractor
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to
explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations
before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up
while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense
Contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared
victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do
you put up mainly? Chain-link?"