One day God was walking through the garden of Eden. After a
short while, he came across Adam. Adam was in low spirits
this particular day, and God asked him what was wrong. Adam
told the Lord that he was lonely.
God responded that He would create Adam a companion. She
would walk by his side for all eternity. She would listen to
his problems. She would wash his clothes. She would keep his
house clean. She would cook his meals. She would do anything
to keep him happy. Most importantly, she would never
complain or nag him.
To this Adam was ecstatic. His spirits lifted immediately.
The Lord hated to tell him that this creature would come at
a price. God told Adam that the creature would cost him an
arm and a leg.
Adam responded, "What can I get for a rib?" ... And the rest
is history.
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"Driver's Test News"
Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."
I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
He said, "They were pedestrians."
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"Question and Answer"
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "'Is this a question?' - Discuss."
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
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Oneliner
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not - Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
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"Freudian Slip"
"A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing but mean your Mother."
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As I was packing for my business trip, my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
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"Needle Manners"While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot. "NO! NO! NO!" she screamed."Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"Today's Oneliner "Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year."- Victor Borge
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CleanPun - "A Love Supreme" A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked."Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children.""Is that a record?" she inquired."I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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I recently walked into a very high-tech cola bar. As I sat down on a stool I noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" After thinking a moment I replied, "A diet coke please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best diet coke I had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your I.Q.?" I thought I would have some fun and answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthrough, etc..... I was most impressed. I left the cola bar but came back the next day, this time using a different tact. Again, the robot clicked and asked what I would have? "A diet coke," I answered again. Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your I.Q., sir" This time I answered more truthfully, "Oh about 100." So, this time the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what not to expect of the Royals in the upcoming baseball season. I was impressed and decided to try it one more time. The next day I returned again and took a stool....Again, a diet coke, and the question, "What is your I.Q.? This time in my best Arkansas drawl, I answered "Uh......, ’bout 50 I ‘spose." The robot clicked and then leaned very close and very slowly asked, … "A-r-ey-o-u-rp-e-o-p-l-eg-o-i-n-gt-on-o-m-i-n-a-t-eH-i-l-l-a-r-y?????"