"Alabama just passed a tough immigration law that requires schools to find out if students are in the country illegally. Fortunately, schools know what to look for when identifying foreign students: high test scores." -Jimmy Fallon
"Mitt Romney is the front runner at this point, mostly because he looks like the guy they would cast as president in a disaster movie." -Jimmy Kimmel
My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none, the worst back seat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she seldom, if ever made comments about my driving. I, of course, claimed the opposite. Now I have proof.
The other day we were headed for the mall and my daughter piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"
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"Sign Return"
I was on board the USS Kitty Hawk when we docked in the Sri Lankan capital, Colombo.
One morning, as the local fishing fleet passed by on its way out to sea, a boat came too close to our ship. A Marine held up a sign warning the captain to stay away, and he complied.
But the next day, the boat was back. This time, the fisherman held something. The nervous Marine pointed to his rifle. The fisherman lifted the object and unfurled it, revealing a sign of his own.
In perfect English it read, "Your Sign Is Upside Down."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ CleanPun
"I'm back from my lobotomy..." he said absentmindedly.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ One Liner
"Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ CleanQuote
"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward." ~Thomas Alva Edison
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^"Brotherly Advice"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said. "Just flap your arms really hard."
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything he's told."
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"Broken Scale"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober
A goober holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale.
"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first."
"Oh, that won't work," says the goober.
"Why not?" asks the clerk.
"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ One Liner
"Vacation is a two-week-long experience where money and time race against each other until both are totally exhausted."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ CleanQuote
"History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats."
~B.C. Forbes
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ~B.C. Forbes
"Normal Life"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
"Normal" is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to the job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it.
Wanna be normal??