********************************
Moving Furniture
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really
sore from moving furniture.
"Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.
"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if
he's not on it."
********************************
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read: "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died. Golf clubs for sale."
********************************
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the important doctor.
"My local General Practitioner, Dr. Cohen."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time.
Tell me, what sort of useless advice did Cohen give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
**********************************
"Car Names Explained"(My car is in here so don't be offended if yours is too!)
AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW - Big Money WorksBought My WifeBrutal Money WasterBreak My Window
BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended TripsCheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every TimeCheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every TimeCondition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease EverywhereDem Old Dudes Go EverywhereDead or Dying Gas EaterDear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive TechnologyFix It All the TimeFix it again, Tony!
FORD - First On Recall DayFirst On Race DayFirst On Rust and DeteriorationFix Or Repair DailyFound On Road, DeadFault Of R&DFast Only Rolling DownhillFound On Russian Dump
GM - General MaintenanceGreat Mistake
GMC - Garage Man's CompanionGot A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere,Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PINTO - Put in new transmission often
PONTIAC - poor old Neanderthal thinks it's a Cadillac
SAAB - Send Another Automobile BackSwedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular ObjectVehicles Of Low Velocity OwnersVW - Virtually Worthless
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
hUMOR for September 29th
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
******************************** A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
********************************
*Answers to the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"*
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Anderson Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard.)
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Constable: To get a better view.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Donne: It crosseth for thee.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
George W. Bush: Because that's what the Iraqi people wanted.
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Hillary Clinton: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DEAD DEAD!
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
John Kerry: I actually voted for the chicken to cross before I voted against it crossing.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.
Othello: Jealousy.
Plato: For the greater good.
Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.
The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.
Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side
********************************
Polish Sausage (NOTE: Yeah, I know, it's politically incorrect. I also run jokes about fat people -- of whom I am one -- and Southerners -- ditto -- and etc. They are just jokes. Lighten up, already. ts)
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh?
Well, would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right! Why then, did you ask me if I'm
Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
******************************************************
Do Not Touch!
Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!
Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box.
Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
******************************************************
Blonde Joke...
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Here is today's CleanPun.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
******************************** A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
********************************
*Answers to the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"*
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Anderson Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard.)
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Constable: To get a better view.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Donne: It crosseth for thee.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
George W. Bush: Because that's what the Iraqi people wanted.
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Hillary Clinton: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DEAD DEAD!
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
John Kerry: I actually voted for the chicken to cross before I voted against it crossing.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.
Othello: Jealousy.
Plato: For the greater good.
Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.
The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.
Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side
********************************
Polish Sausage (NOTE: Yeah, I know, it's politically incorrect. I also run jokes about fat people -- of whom I am one -- and Southerners -- ditto -- and etc. They are just jokes. Lighten up, already. ts)
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh?
Well, would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right! Why then, did you ask me if I'm
Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
******************************************************
Do Not Touch!
Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!
Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box.
Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
******************************************************
Blonde Joke...
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
hUMOR For September 28
********************************
Here is the All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
Dear
a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated
prank. How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine,
b) fathom,
c) comprehend,
d) appreciate,
e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,
b) sue me,
c) spank me,
d) take my firstborn,
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________
********************************
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
********************************
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho," and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:
"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Once again, on Saturday, I experienced another malfunction in the interface between my chair and keyboard. Subsequently, most of you could not view Saturday’s link to the “CSI Egypt” cartoon. So, here it is again.
********************************
Sports Illustrated
The coach's wife yells to her husband, "It's Sports Illustrated on the phone."
The coach falls all over himself racing to the phone and says, "Hello?"
Then he hears, "For just 75 cents an issue...."
********************************
*Liberal Headlines*
If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal media
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
******************************************************
AMERICAN MUSLIM: AN OXYMORON
Can a devout Muslim be an American patriot and a loyal citizen?
THEOLOGICALLY: No. Because his allegiance is to Allah, the moon god of Arabia.
GEOGRAPHICALLY: No. Because his allegiance is to Mecca, which he turns in prayers five times a day.
SOCIALLY: No. Because his allegiance to Islam demands that he make no friends of Christians and Jews.
(Q.5:51)
POLITICALLY: No. Because he must submit to the mullah, who teaches annihilation of Israel and the destruction of America, the great Satan.
DOMESTICALLY: No. Because he is instructed to marry four women and beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him. (Q.4:34)
RELIGIOUSLY: No. Because no other religion is accepted by his Allah except Islam-Intolerance. (Q.2:256)
INTELLECTUALLY: No. Because he cannot accept the American Constitution since it is established on Biblical principles and he believes the Bible to be corrupt.
PHILOSOPHICALLY: No. Because Islam, Mohammed and the Quran do not allow freedom of religion and _expression. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist.
Every Muslim government is dictatorial except Turkey.
SPIRITUALLY: No. Because when we declare "one nation under God", the Christian's God is a triune God while the Muslim's is one entity called "Allah", who is never a heavenly father, nor is he ever called "Love"
in the 99 excellent names.
An article by: Anis Shorrosh, a former Muslim, turned to Christ, from Nazareth, now living in Alabama.
Reprint rights granted. People of This Country NEED to understand this!
******************************************************
DEAR ANN LANDERS:
I loved the letters you printed about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer. When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed.
As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.
From San Francisco: When I was a child,
I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name.
Groton, Mass. My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."
Missoula, Mont. My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"
Uniontown, Ohio I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."
Covina, Calif. I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."
Cleveland, Ohio When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag . . . and to the republic for Richard Stands."
Schenectady, NY I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear."
(gladly the Cross I Bear).
Tampa, Fla. When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
Lake Forest Park, Wash. When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah.
Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up."
Oak Harbor, Wash. When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
Grand Junction, Colo. When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble
[I'll add one for you. My brother's name was Mansfield and he thought the song was "Fight mansfieldly
(manfully) onward" L.B.S.]
Here is the All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
Dear
a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated
prank. How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine,
b) fathom,
c) comprehend,
d) appreciate,
e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,
b) sue me,
c) spank me,
d) take my firstborn,
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________
********************************
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
********************************
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho," and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:
"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Once again, on Saturday, I experienced another malfunction in the interface between my chair and keyboard. Subsequently, most of you could not view Saturday’s link to the “CSI Egypt” cartoon. So, here it is again.
********************************
Sports Illustrated
The coach's wife yells to her husband, "It's Sports Illustrated on the phone."
The coach falls all over himself racing to the phone and says, "Hello?"
Then he hears, "For just 75 cents an issue...."
********************************
*Liberal Headlines*
If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal media
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
******************************************************
AMERICAN MUSLIM: AN OXYMORON
Can a devout Muslim be an American patriot and a loyal citizen?
THEOLOGICALLY: No. Because his allegiance is to Allah, the moon god of Arabia.
GEOGRAPHICALLY: No. Because his allegiance is to Mecca, which he turns in prayers five times a day.
SOCIALLY: No. Because his allegiance to Islam demands that he make no friends of Christians and Jews.
(Q.5:51)
POLITICALLY: No. Because he must submit to the mullah, who teaches annihilation of Israel and the destruction of America, the great Satan.
DOMESTICALLY: No. Because he is instructed to marry four women and beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him. (Q.4:34)
RELIGIOUSLY: No. Because no other religion is accepted by his Allah except Islam-Intolerance. (Q.2:256)
INTELLECTUALLY: No. Because he cannot accept the American Constitution since it is established on Biblical principles and he believes the Bible to be corrupt.
PHILOSOPHICALLY: No. Because Islam, Mohammed and the Quran do not allow freedom of religion and _expression. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist.
Every Muslim government is dictatorial except Turkey.
SPIRITUALLY: No. Because when we declare "one nation under God", the Christian's God is a triune God while the Muslim's is one entity called "Allah", who is never a heavenly father, nor is he ever called "Love"
in the 99 excellent names.
An article by: Anis Shorrosh, a former Muslim, turned to Christ, from Nazareth, now living in Alabama.
Reprint rights granted. People of This Country NEED to understand this!
******************************************************
DEAR ANN LANDERS:
I loved the letters you printed about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer. When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed.
As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.
From San Francisco: When I was a child,
I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name.
Groton, Mass. My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."
Missoula, Mont. My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"
Uniontown, Ohio I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."
Covina, Calif. I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."
Cleveland, Ohio When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag . . . and to the republic for Richard Stands."
Schenectady, NY I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear."
(gladly the Cross I Bear).
Tampa, Fla. When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
Lake Forest Park, Wash. When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah.
Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up."
Oak Harbor, Wash. When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
Grand Junction, Colo. When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble
[I'll add one for you. My brother's name was Mansfield and he thought the song was "Fight mansfieldly
(manfully) onward" L.B.S.]
Monday, September 27, 2004
hUMOR For September 27th
Now, don't go gettin'
offended or nothin', just laugh or shake your head in disgust and move on to the next one... Chapped lips
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.
The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
******************************************************
Can you sleep when the wind blows?
Years ago a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands.
Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals.
Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farmhand?" the farmer asked him.
"Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.
Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.
Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"
The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.
MORAL: When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life? The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We, as believers in Christ, secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God. don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the midst of the storms.
I hope you sleep well!
---------------------------------------
Churchgoers Philosophy
"Don't let your worries get the best of you.
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case"
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and sand gnats come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to... discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
********************************A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
And the man said, "I was looking for my father."
********************************
Cute
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
______________
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________
TEACHER: "Can anybody give anexample of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
______________
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
******************************************************
Can You Beat This Logic?
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied: Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, the man won!
******************************************************
At our age
WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES.
WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.
I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON BUDDY, DON'T BE A JERK. HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A BREAK?"
HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET.
I CALLED HIM A BAD NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.
SO I CALLED HIM A WAY WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST.
THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.
I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD A "ELECT JOHN KERRY" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.
I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.
offended or nothin', just laugh or shake your head in disgust and move on to the next one... Chapped lips
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.
The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
******************************************************
Can you sleep when the wind blows?
Years ago a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands.
Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals.
Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farmhand?" the farmer asked him.
"Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.
Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.
Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"
The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.
MORAL: When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life? The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We, as believers in Christ, secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God. don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the midst of the storms.
I hope you sleep well!
---------------------------------------
Churchgoers Philosophy
"Don't let your worries get the best of you.
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case"
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and sand gnats come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to... discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
********************************A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
And the man said, "I was looking for my father."
********************************
Cute
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
______________
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________
TEACHER: "Can anybody give anexample of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
______________
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
******************************************************
Can You Beat This Logic?
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied: Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, the man won!
******************************************************
At our age
WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES.
WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.
I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON BUDDY, DON'T BE A JERK. HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A BREAK?"
HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET.
I CALLED HIM A BAD NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.
SO I CALLED HIM A WAY WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST.
THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.
I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD A "ELECT JOHN KERRY" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.
I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
hUMOR For Sept. 26
******************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. ******************************** Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"
Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
******************************
Andy Rooney (Edited)
Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens... Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
(NOTE: Regrettably the Girl Scouts of America support Planned Parenthood -- a misnomer, since it is an abortion service -- and therefore please do not consider this as an endorsement. ts)
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot you if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"?
Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
******************************
BMW
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, "PULL OVER!""NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you
are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
DOGS
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was > named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helloooooooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
Here is today's CleanPun.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. ******************************** Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"
Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
******************************
Andy Rooney (Edited)
Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens... Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
(NOTE: Regrettably the Girl Scouts of America support Planned Parenthood -- a misnomer, since it is an abortion service -- and therefore please do not consider this as an endorsement. ts)
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot you if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"?
Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
******************************
BMW
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, "PULL OVER!""NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you
are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
DOGS
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was > named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helloooooooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
Saturday, September 25, 2004
hUMOR For Sept. 25th
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was no where in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made an excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first pork item on the menu.
While he's waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth.
The congregation president is more than a little shocked.
"What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."
********************************
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
********************************
Be Careful, Your Sins May Find You Out.
Have you ever told a white lie? Then you are going to love this. For all ladies who bake for church events .
. .
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom, a small roll of toilet paper. She plunked it into the middle of the cake and then covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself. A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church member) say: "Why thank you; I baked it myself."
******************************** Be Careful, Your Sins May Find You Out.
Have you ever told a white lie? Then you are going to love this. For all ladies who bake for church events .
. .
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom, a small roll of toilet paper. She plunked it into the middle of the cake and then covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself. A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church member) say: "Why thank you; I baked it myself."
********************************
Move the Car
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and
her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience
shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend
immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."
While he's waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth.
The congregation president is more than a little shocked.
"What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered."
********************************
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
********************************
Be Careful, Your Sins May Find You Out.
Have you ever told a white lie? Then you are going to love this. For all ladies who bake for church events .
. .
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom, a small roll of toilet paper. She plunked it into the middle of the cake and then covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself. A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church member) say: "Why thank you; I baked it myself."
******************************** Be Careful, Your Sins May Find You Out.
Have you ever told a white lie? Then you are going to love this. For all ladies who bake for church events .
. .
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom, a small roll of toilet paper. She plunked it into the middle of the cake and then covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself. A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church member) say: "Why thank you; I baked it myself."
********************************
Move the Car
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and
her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience
shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend
immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."
Friday, September 24, 2004
hUMOR For Sept 24
BASEBALL BLUES
After talking to Art Cluff, who serves as umpire for Little League baseball, I wonder just how much children really enjoy their parents_ presence at their games. Art was telling me about the problems he was having with the parents at his game and it reminded me of a time a few summers back when I was sitting among a group of moms and dads who had turned out to cheer on their kids at a baseball tournament.
During one of the games, one parent pointed out every good and bad move his son made in a voice everyone could hear. Another lady groaned and complained about the substitute players that the coach had sent in. She hollered that this move would probably cost us the game. Of course, there was no end to the crude and disparaging remarks made about the umpire_s motives and every error committed by the players on the field.
I used to think that sports was a great character builder and teacher, but, after watching the conduct of the adults in the stands, I was less surprised at the attitude that many of our kids are developing these days.
I would hope that as Christian parents involved in sports we can always remember to bring our religion to the ballpark along with our desire to win. After all, if sports at their level means anything or does anything, shouldn_t it be to model some of the virtues that we learn about in church?
Parents who pollute the make-believe world of youth sports with their bad attitudes have ruined the very purpose of the game. They_ve not only forgotten that it_s "just a game," they_ve also forgotten how it should be played and why. Shape up, Mom and Dad, your kids are watching you. Submitted by Mike Mazzalongo
******************************************************
A Day of Infamy Etched on our Souls by Shelby M. Forrest
Eleven September, two thousand and one-
This date throughout time will impart
The pain that was felt on this infamous day And forever be etched on our hearts.
On this clear, sunlit day in the early Fall In this land of the brave and the free Destruction and terror have left evil marks In the annals of all history
From the dungeons of Hades, through wide open gates The forces of evil have swirled.
To create a thunderous, lasting impact
That was heard throughout all of the world.
The intent was creation of chaos and fear, Where massive anarchy would reign.
Our freedom no longer would be our great strength, And our deep faith in God would be drained.
Like the much shattered buildings that crumbled and fell, Our people they expected to see Lose faith and resolve and instantly bring Them crashing down hard on their knees.
Heinous, barbaric, these terrorist acts
Are intended to create confusion.
Instead, they inspire our people to meld into a more closely knit union
The extent of the pain and emotional strain Are too deep for a measure to gauge But we shall recover, and good will prevail And our lives can then turn a new page.
They will never break down our determined resolve They cannot destroy our will Despite the chaos and destruction they wreak And the great human masses they kill
So with a determined resolve we will face Evil forces and then toll the knell To send these Satanical agents post haste Back through those wide portals of Hell.
In our Pledge, "One nation under God",
Often mouthed as a casual quote,
May a much greater sense of reality make And a much stronger meaning denote.
******************************************************
Some thoughts... The truth doesn't hurt, unless it ought to... When you're tempted to fight fire with fire, remember the fire department usually uses water_ Promise only what you can deliver, then deliver more than you promise_ On an atheist's tombstone: here lies an atheist -- all dressed up and no place to go_ A small town is a place where everyone knows everything, but they get the paper anyway to see if the editor got it right_ One good thing about snow -- it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbor's.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
********************************
There was a small town nestled in a valley that was powered by a dam. One day, the dam broke and flooded the valley. Naturally, everyone headed for higher ground. Once they all arrived, they began scanning the area for people or animals who needed help.
After a few hours of looking, it seemed that they were all safe, but then they could see a little straw hat bobbing downstream about 50 yards and then bobbing back upstream 50 yards. It then moved to the side and bobbed downstream and then back upstream, and it kept repeating this.
Nobody could figure out why the hat was behaving so strangely. After they pondered this for a while, a young boy recalled his granddad saying that come hell or high water, he was going to get the lawn mowed!
Received from Classic Laff-a-Day.
******************************** A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.
She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales.
"Bloomindales!" the pastor said. "Why Bloomindales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
********************************
Mission Statement
A mission statement is defined as "a long, awkward sentence that
demonstrates management's inability to think clearly."
All good companies have one.
********************************
Give Praise
There was a little old lady, who every morning.
stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and
shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and
shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!
After talking to Art Cluff, who serves as umpire for Little League baseball, I wonder just how much children really enjoy their parents_ presence at their games. Art was telling me about the problems he was having with the parents at his game and it reminded me of a time a few summers back when I was sitting among a group of moms and dads who had turned out to cheer on their kids at a baseball tournament.
During one of the games, one parent pointed out every good and bad move his son made in a voice everyone could hear. Another lady groaned and complained about the substitute players that the coach had sent in. She hollered that this move would probably cost us the game. Of course, there was no end to the crude and disparaging remarks made about the umpire_s motives and every error committed by the players on the field.
I used to think that sports was a great character builder and teacher, but, after watching the conduct of the adults in the stands, I was less surprised at the attitude that many of our kids are developing these days.
I would hope that as Christian parents involved in sports we can always remember to bring our religion to the ballpark along with our desire to win. After all, if sports at their level means anything or does anything, shouldn_t it be to model some of the virtues that we learn about in church?
Parents who pollute the make-believe world of youth sports with their bad attitudes have ruined the very purpose of the game. They_ve not only forgotten that it_s "just a game," they_ve also forgotten how it should be played and why. Shape up, Mom and Dad, your kids are watching you. Submitted by Mike Mazzalongo
******************************************************
A Day of Infamy Etched on our Souls by Shelby M. Forrest
Eleven September, two thousand and one-
This date throughout time will impart
The pain that was felt on this infamous day And forever be etched on our hearts.
On this clear, sunlit day in the early Fall In this land of the brave and the free Destruction and terror have left evil marks In the annals of all history
From the dungeons of Hades, through wide open gates The forces of evil have swirled.
To create a thunderous, lasting impact
That was heard throughout all of the world.
The intent was creation of chaos and fear, Where massive anarchy would reign.
Our freedom no longer would be our great strength, And our deep faith in God would be drained.
Like the much shattered buildings that crumbled and fell, Our people they expected to see Lose faith and resolve and instantly bring Them crashing down hard on their knees.
Heinous, barbaric, these terrorist acts
Are intended to create confusion.
Instead, they inspire our people to meld into a more closely knit union
The extent of the pain and emotional strain Are too deep for a measure to gauge But we shall recover, and good will prevail And our lives can then turn a new page.
They will never break down our determined resolve They cannot destroy our will Despite the chaos and destruction they wreak And the great human masses they kill
So with a determined resolve we will face Evil forces and then toll the knell To send these Satanical agents post haste Back through those wide portals of Hell.
In our Pledge, "One nation under God",
Often mouthed as a casual quote,
May a much greater sense of reality make And a much stronger meaning denote.
******************************************************
Some thoughts... The truth doesn't hurt, unless it ought to... When you're tempted to fight fire with fire, remember the fire department usually uses water_ Promise only what you can deliver, then deliver more than you promise_ On an atheist's tombstone: here lies an atheist -- all dressed up and no place to go_ A small town is a place where everyone knows everything, but they get the paper anyway to see if the editor got it right_ One good thing about snow -- it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbor's.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
********************************
There was a small town nestled in a valley that was powered by a dam. One day, the dam broke and flooded the valley. Naturally, everyone headed for higher ground. Once they all arrived, they began scanning the area for people or animals who needed help.
After a few hours of looking, it seemed that they were all safe, but then they could see a little straw hat bobbing downstream about 50 yards and then bobbing back upstream 50 yards. It then moved to the side and bobbed downstream and then back upstream, and it kept repeating this.
Nobody could figure out why the hat was behaving so strangely. After they pondered this for a while, a young boy recalled his granddad saying that come hell or high water, he was going to get the lawn mowed!
Received from Classic Laff-a-Day.
******************************** A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.
She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales.
"Bloomindales!" the pastor said. "Why Bloomindales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
********************************
Mission Statement
A mission statement is defined as "a long, awkward sentence that
demonstrates management's inability to think clearly."
All good companies have one.
********************************
Give Praise
There was a little old lady, who every morning.
stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted:
"PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and
shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and
shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!
Thursday, September 23, 2004
hUMOR For Sept. 23rd
********************************
ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?
(Senior Citizen Version)
Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?
Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.
If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.
So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old ****?
So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.
******************************************************
Thanks to La Mi -- Church Definitions: Which Are You?
Pillars - attend regularly, giving time, talent and treasure
Supporters - give time and money if they like the minister and/or finance committee
Leaners - use the church for funerals, marriages, and other personal reasons but give not time or money to support it
Working Leaners - work, but do not give money
Specials - give occasionally for something that appeals to them
Annuals or Easter Birds - dress up, look serious and go to church on Easter
Sponges - take anything they can get from the church, but give nothing back
Tramps - go from church to church, but support none
Gossips - talk freely about everyone except the Lord Jesus
Scrappers - take offense, criticize and fight
Orphans - are children sent by parents who do not set an example
Backsliders - go back and walk no more with Jesus
******************************** An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primative tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.
The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal."
"Great," the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
********************************
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
********************************
*Unwritten Warning Labels*
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place"
On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
On a microscope: Objects in view are larger and more alarming than they appear.
On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
******************************** Makes a Difference
My wife was chatting with her brother, a business executive who had retired
last year. While discussing the joys of his new leisure time, he remarked
that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for
many years.
"Afraid of injuries?" my wife asked.
"Now I am," her brother responded. "Before I could drag a cast into work and still do my job, but now I'd be messing up my golf game."
ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?
(Senior Citizen Version)
Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?
Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.
If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.
So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old ****?
So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.
******************************************************
Thanks to La Mi -- Church Definitions: Which Are You?
Pillars - attend regularly, giving time, talent and treasure
Supporters - give time and money if they like the minister and/or finance committee
Leaners - use the church for funerals, marriages, and other personal reasons but give not time or money to support it
Working Leaners - work, but do not give money
Specials - give occasionally for something that appeals to them
Annuals or Easter Birds - dress up, look serious and go to church on Easter
Sponges - take anything they can get from the church, but give nothing back
Tramps - go from church to church, but support none
Gossips - talk freely about everyone except the Lord Jesus
Scrappers - take offense, criticize and fight
Orphans - are children sent by parents who do not set an example
Backsliders - go back and walk no more with Jesus
******************************** An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primative tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.
The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal."
"Great," the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
********************************
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.
Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
********************************
*Unwritten Warning Labels*
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place"
On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
On a microscope: Objects in view are larger and more alarming than they appear.
On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
******************************** Makes a Difference
My wife was chatting with her brother, a business executive who had retired
last year. While discussing the joys of his new leisure time, he remarked
that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for
many years.
"Afraid of injuries?" my wife asked.
"Now I am," her brother responded. "Before I could drag a cast into work and still do my job, but now I'd be messing up my golf game."
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
hUMOR For Sept 22nd
********************************
Blonde Joke...
Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't.
If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"
******************************************************
Thanks to kittyspan: A Keeper
It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy.
All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste means affluence. Throwing away things meant you knew there'd always be more.
But then my husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of our bedroom, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute."
Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away. never to return before we can say good-bye, say "I love you."
So, while we have it . . . it's best we love it . . .
. . and care for it. and fix it when it's broken ...
and heal it when it's sick. This is true ... for marriage . . . . . and old cars ... and children with bad report cards . . . and dogs with bad hips and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep -- like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.
Life is important, like people we know who are special ... and so, we keep them close!
I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'! Then I sent it to the people I think of in the same way.
******************************************************
Another Blonde Joke --
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
******************************************************
Bush, Kerry & Nader Go Fishing
Pres Bush, Senator Kerry and Ralph Nader went on a fishing trip to the South Seas Islands. While there, they got lost and were found by a tribe of head hunters, who had a guillotine.
The Chief demand they be executed. President Bush volunteered to go first. As the blade came down, it stopped midway! The Chief said "Our gods favor you.
You may go in peace."
Then Senator Kerry stood up. Once again, the guillotine stopped mid way. The Chief also let him go to please the gods.
About that time, Ralph Nader is laughing uncontrollably. The Chief demanded to know why he thought this was so funny.
Ralph Nader replied "If you guys would oil that thing it would work!"
********************************
Rattlesnakes
My husband was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball
into the rough. As he headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief
warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained
that calls had been coming in all week asking for assistance with removing
the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," was the astonished reply. "People actually call
the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is the snake on fire?'"
********************************
Blonde Joke...
Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't.
If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"
******************************************************
Thanks to kittyspan: A Keeper
It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy.
All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste means affluence. Throwing away things meant you knew there'd always be more.
But then my husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of our bedroom, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute."
Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away. never to return before we can say good-bye, say "I love you."
So, while we have it . . . it's best we love it . . .
. . and care for it. and fix it when it's broken ...
and heal it when it's sick. This is true ... for marriage . . . . . and old cars ... and children with bad report cards . . . and dogs with bad hips and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep -- like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.
Life is important, like people we know who are special ... and so, we keep them close!
I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'! Then I sent it to the people I think of in the same way.
******************************************************
Another Blonde Joke --
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
******************************************************
Bush, Kerry & Nader Go Fishing
Pres Bush, Senator Kerry and Ralph Nader went on a fishing trip to the South Seas Islands. While there, they got lost and were found by a tribe of head hunters, who had a guillotine.
The Chief demand they be executed. President Bush volunteered to go first. As the blade came down, it stopped midway! The Chief said "Our gods favor you.
You may go in peace."
Then Senator Kerry stood up. Once again, the guillotine stopped mid way. The Chief also let him go to please the gods.
About that time, Ralph Nader is laughing uncontrollably. The Chief demanded to know why he thought this was so funny.
Ralph Nader replied "If you guys would oil that thing it would work!"
********************************
Rattlesnakes
My husband was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball
into the rough. As he headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief
warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained
that calls had been coming in all week asking for assistance with removing
the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," was the astonished reply. "People actually call
the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is the snake on fire?'"
********************************
Friday, September 17, 2004
hUMOR For Sept. 17th
I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO POST NEW hUMOR UNTIL SEPTEMBER. KEEP SMILING ;-)
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered!
********************************
I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"
********************************
WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES.
WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A BREAK?"HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET.I CALLED HIM A NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST.THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.I DIDN'T CARE.
MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD A "ELECT JOHN KERRY" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.
IT'S IMPORTANT AT OUR AGE.
********************************** A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's turn. "Well," he said, "I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!"
"What did you do?" asked his friends.
"Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street.
That brought out the fire engine before any major damage was done."
********************************
Bears
A couple were vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about
camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a
motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp and to calm her concerns,
they'd talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear
encounter would be.
The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so
far this year, or black bears, for that matter."
The wife shrieked, "There's TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell
the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"
The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy, see, if the bear chases you up a
tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree
until you fall out, it's a grizzly."
The motel room was quite nice.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered!
********************************
I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"
********************************
WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES.
WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A BREAK?"HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET.I CALLED HIM A NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST.THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.I DIDN'T CARE.
MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD A "ELECT JOHN KERRY" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.
IT'S IMPORTANT AT OUR AGE.
********************************** A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's turn. "Well," he said, "I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!"
"What did you do?" asked his friends.
"Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street.
That brought out the fire engine before any major damage was done."
********************************
Bears
A couple were vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about
camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a
motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp and to calm her concerns,
they'd talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear
encounter would be.
The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so
far this year, or black bears, for that matter."
The wife shrieked, "There's TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell
the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"
The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy, see, if the bear chases you up a
tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree
until you fall out, it's a grizzly."
The motel room was quite nice.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
hUMOR For September 16th
********************************
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
"Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
**********************************
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"
"Yes," said her friend, "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go!"
********************************
Wine Glasses
I used to think it was a silly affectation to drink different wines from
different style glasses, but I have finally become a convert.
I now definitely prefer drinking hearty, macho reds from my Spiderman glass
and lighter, fruity whites from Sponge Bob.
********************************
*Murphy's Laws on Computers*
- As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it.
- Installing a new program will always mess up at least one old one.
- You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all.
- The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been backed up.
- There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose hard disks have crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't crashed - yet.
- Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you fiddle with something long enough, you'll break it.
********************************
Ole and Lena
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup
of coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow
emergency has been declared" the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of
the streets." Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.
The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 2 to 4 inches
of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the
streets." Again Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from
his coffee.
Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 6 to 8 inches
of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the..."and then the power goes
out and Ole doesn't get the rest of the instructions.
He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I going to do now,
Lena?" And Lena replies "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage today."
********************************
On Time
The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling,
satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.
"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and
especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that
an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm
going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."
"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you
should know something ... this is yesterday's flight."
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
"Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
**********************************
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"
"Yes," said her friend, "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go!"
********************************
Wine Glasses
I used to think it was a silly affectation to drink different wines from
different style glasses, but I have finally become a convert.
I now definitely prefer drinking hearty, macho reds from my Spiderman glass
and lighter, fruity whites from Sponge Bob.
********************************
*Murphy's Laws on Computers*
- As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it.
- Installing a new program will always mess up at least one old one.
- You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all.
- The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been backed up.
- There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose hard disks have crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't crashed - yet.
- Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you fiddle with something long enough, you'll break it.
********************************
Ole and Lena
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup
of coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow
emergency has been declared" the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of
the streets." Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.
The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 2 to 4 inches
of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the
streets." Again Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from
his coffee.
Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is "There will be 6 to 8 inches
of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the..."and then the power goes
out and Ole doesn't get the rest of the instructions.
He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I going to do now,
Lena?" And Lena replies "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage today."
********************************
On Time
The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling,
satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.
"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and
especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that
an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm
going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."
"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you
should know something ... this is yesterday's flight."
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
hUMOR For Sept. 15th
******************************** *Military Wisdom*
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make youquite unpopular in what's left of your unit."-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."-U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."-U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."-Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."-Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."-U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."-Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."-U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."-David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."-Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."-Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."-Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."-Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop ******************************** Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota (sad but true)
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim
by, you might live in Minnesota
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the
year, you might live in Minnesota.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Minnesota
If your Dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you might live in Minnesota
If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Minnesota
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Minnesota
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you might live in Minnesota
You know you're a true MINNESOTAN when.............
1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-35.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to
your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Iowa.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find -20 degrees "a little chilly."
22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not
medicine.
24. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.
25. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends. ********************************
Golfer's Tall Tale
A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's
turn. "Well, he said, "I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through
a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on
fire."
"What did you do?", asked his friends.
"Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim,
and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engine
before any major damage was done."
******************************** Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, "So James, how's my favorite dog doing?"
James very tersely replies, "Your dog is dead" "
What?" says Phil, "You can't just tell someone their favorite dog is dead without a warning, you have to ease them into it."
"How?" says James.
"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof" remarked Phil. "Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get her down, when it jumped off of the roof and broke its leg. Tell me the doctors say it will be ok, but that it will have to stay at the vets for a while. Are you getting all of this???"
"Yes" says James.
"Good" remarks Phil. "Then the next day when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it?"
"Yes." ******************************** A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Three carats!" ********************************
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After
everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she
tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had
$20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be
broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of
course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the
church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I
spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you
know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My
stars, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Three carats!"
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make youquite unpopular in what's left of your unit."-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."-U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."-U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."-Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."-Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."-U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."-Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."-U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."-David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."-Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."-Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."-Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."-Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop ******************************** Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota (sad but true)
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim
by, you might live in Minnesota
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the
year, you might live in Minnesota.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Minnesota
If your Dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you might live in Minnesota
If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Minnesota
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Minnesota
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you might live in Minnesota
You know you're a true MINNESOTAN when.............
1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-35.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to
your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Iowa.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find -20 degrees "a little chilly."
22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not
medicine.
24. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.
25. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends. ********************************
Golfer's Tall Tale
A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's
turn. "Well, he said, "I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through
a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on
fire."
"What did you do?", asked his friends.
"Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim,
and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engine
before any major damage was done."
******************************** Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, "So James, how's my favorite dog doing?"
James very tersely replies, "Your dog is dead" "
What?" says Phil, "You can't just tell someone their favorite dog is dead without a warning, you have to ease them into it."
"How?" says James.
"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof" remarked Phil. "Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get her down, when it jumped off of the roof and broke its leg. Tell me the doctors say it will be ok, but that it will have to stay at the vets for a while. Are you getting all of this???"
"Yes" says James.
"Good" remarks Phil. "Then the next day when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it?"
"Yes." ******************************** A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Three carats!" ********************************
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After
everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she
tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had
$20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be
broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of
course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the
church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I
spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you
know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My
stars, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Three carats!"
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
hUMOR For Sept 14th
******************************** At the prestigious university there was a clear hierarchy that outlined how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"
"Well," mused the unperturbed youth, "first they saluted, then they inquired, 'How are you this morning, sir?' ******************************** Second Bid
This little not-for-profit organization is having problems with the air
conditioning in its small computer room, reports a technician working there.
"It was routinely getting into the low 80's," he says. "We thought the air
conditioning for the room should be plenty for the space, but we had added
a number of additional systems."
So the organization brings in a vendor to see what beefing up the cooling
system will cost. The quote is in the neighborhood of $25,000 -- a
way-too-pricey neighborhood for this outfit.
"At non-profits, money is never in abundance and we knew we wouldn't be
able to scrape up anywhere close to $25,000," says the technician.
"However, our board required us to get three quotes for any expense close
to that. So we brought in a competing vendor."
The second air-conditioning guy walks into the computer room and looks
around for a minute. Then he picks up a spare cardboard box off the floor
and tapes it over the thermostat. "No charge," he says.
It turns out the air-conditioning vent was blowing directly onto the
thermostat. So as soon as it would turn on, the thermostat would register
the temperature change and shut the air conditioner off.
The technician reported, "We did end up spending $100 or so to replace the
cardboard box with something nicer -- and to buy dinner for the second vendor." ********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well until Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that is became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
"Excuse me, Officer," said she, Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
******************************** A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbors. "They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o'clock in the morning!"
His friend asked, "well, didn't that disturb you? Didn't you complain?
"No-it didn't disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet." ******************************** A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands: >It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. Not only that mom; I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone so we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure so Ahmed will get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now so I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit because I want you to
know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you! ********************************
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"
"Well," mused the unperturbed youth, "first they saluted, then they inquired, 'How are you this morning, sir?' ******************************** Second Bid
This little not-for-profit organization is having problems with the air
conditioning in its small computer room, reports a technician working there.
"It was routinely getting into the low 80's," he says. "We thought the air
conditioning for the room should be plenty for the space, but we had added
a number of additional systems."
So the organization brings in a vendor to see what beefing up the cooling
system will cost. The quote is in the neighborhood of $25,000 -- a
way-too-pricey neighborhood for this outfit.
"At non-profits, money is never in abundance and we knew we wouldn't be
able to scrape up anywhere close to $25,000," says the technician.
"However, our board required us to get three quotes for any expense close
to that. So we brought in a competing vendor."
The second air-conditioning guy walks into the computer room and looks
around for a minute. Then he picks up a spare cardboard box off the floor
and tapes it over the thermostat. "No charge," he says.
It turns out the air-conditioning vent was blowing directly onto the
thermostat. So as soon as it would turn on, the thermostat would register
the temperature change and shut the air conditioner off.
The technician reported, "We did end up spending $100 or so to replace the
cardboard box with something nicer -- and to buy dinner for the second vendor." ********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well until Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that is became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
"Excuse me, Officer," said she, Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
******************************** A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbors. "They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o'clock in the morning!"
His friend asked, "well, didn't that disturb you? Didn't you complain?
"No-it didn't disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet." ******************************** A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands: >It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. Not only that mom; I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone so we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure so Ahmed will get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now so I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit because I want you to
know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you! ********************************
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
Monday, September 13, 2004
hUMOR For Sept. 13th
******************************** There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies.
She wanted to always remember so she recorded this moment and would share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"
Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery." ******************************** A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!!" ********************************
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."
So, the next time you are last in line...smile!
********************************
She wanted to always remember so she recorded this moment and would share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"
Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery." ******************************** A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!!" ********************************
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."
So, the next time you are last in line...smile!
********************************
Sunday, September 12, 2004
hUMOR For Sept. 12
********************************
He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"
The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"
********************************
An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
********************************
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked confused.
"Umm, he's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
"I know!" said a third...
"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"
********************************
My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?"
He answered, "It's not fair -- I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"
********************************
He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"
The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"
********************************
An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
********************************
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked confused.
"Umm, he's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
"I know!" said a third...
"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"
********************************
My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?"
He answered, "It's not fair -- I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"
********************************
Friday, September 10, 2004
hUMOR For Sept 10th
********************************
Metric?
A farmer goes into a store to buy chicken wire.....
Farmer: I'd like 10 yards of chicken wire.
Clerk: Haven't you heard? We've gone metric. We sell things by the meter
now, not the yard.
Farmer: (Thinks about it) OK, I'd like 10 meters of chicken wire.
Clerk: Right. Is that with the half-inch or quarter-inch holes?
********************************
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister.
The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly.
"Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.
"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"
********************************
Garage Sale?
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
******************************************************
The Well
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edgeof the well and trotted off!
Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
******************************************************
Blonde Cookbook
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow tocome so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.
If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
******************************************************
Alabama Hunters
A couple of Alabamians are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help; first, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious aboutmaking some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her severaltimes, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do justfine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church youwalk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR.Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN, then we shall get onwith the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which thosethings happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for hisbride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating toherself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."
********************************
The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.
She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."
"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."
********************************
Auto-Body Repair
One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car
needing a new fender and some door repairs.
I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up,
he wasn't pleased.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not
matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He
demanded an explanation.
"The repairs were to the other side," I noted.
Metric?
A farmer goes into a store to buy chicken wire.....
Farmer: I'd like 10 yards of chicken wire.
Clerk: Haven't you heard? We've gone metric. We sell things by the meter
now, not the yard.
Farmer: (Thinks about it) OK, I'd like 10 meters of chicken wire.
Clerk: Right. Is that with the half-inch or quarter-inch holes?
********************************
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister.
The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly.
"Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.
"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"
********************************
Garage Sale?
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
******************************************************
The Well
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edgeof the well and trotted off!
Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
******************************************************
Blonde Cookbook
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow tocome so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.
If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
******************************************************
Alabama Hunters
A couple of Alabamians are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help; first, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious aboutmaking some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her severaltimes, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do justfine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church youwalk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR.Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN, then we shall get onwith the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which thosethings happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for hisbride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating toherself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."
********************************
The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.
She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."
"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."
********************************
Auto-Body Repair
One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car
needing a new fender and some door repairs.
I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up,
he wasn't pleased.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not
matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He
demanded an explanation.
"The repairs were to the other side," I noted.
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