Best Patients
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
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Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give them all a cow.
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"Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often
shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has
been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still
speak in foreign languages" --Dave Barry
***
"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He
prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working."
-Fred Marcum
***
"My wife took pictures of me naked and sent them to Playgirl.
They passed on them, but I AM going to be in Field & Stream."
--Adam Sandler
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A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist
stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging
through her purse, as so many patients did when they had
a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her
handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
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A man is walking his dog, and passes a little restaurant;
the cooking smells are so tempting, he decides he would
like to stop for lunch, but the sign says no animals are
permited.
After a couple of moment's thought, he decided to brazen it
out: he puts on a pair of sunglasses, walks into the rest-
aurant, with his dog on a leash and asks to be seated. The
waiter says "I am sorry sir, but we do not permit animals
in the restaurant."
The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."
The waiter responds skeptically: "Your seeing eye dog? Sir,
that dog is a
The man responds: "A
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Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for t he answer...
Scroll down
He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses." If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.
I've got mine shutting down right now.
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Newfie Painter
Un-bare-able Newfie artist uncovers new painting
Shamus, the Newfie painter, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Shamus if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object - she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Shamus asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, “Would be a pleasure ma'am. Missus says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes.”
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Scales Don't Lie
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in
his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this
maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
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"This is my brother's Ritalin. Ritalin's good for studying
math or science, just don't try to write English papers on
it or it won't make any sense. Enjoy that."
--Dave Ruby as Zeke in "Dead Man on Campus".
***
"Am I going mad or did the word THINK escape your lips!"
--Wallace Shawn as Vizzini in The Princess Bride.
***
"In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law
of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window."
--Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School.
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My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is
driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none,
the worst back seat driver in the world. I have long
thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she
seldom, if ever made comments about my driving. I, of
course, claimed the opposite. Now I have proof.
The other day we were headed for the mall and my daughter
piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you
how to drive?"
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On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The
husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his
wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to
their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by
very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's
thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down
once more. But just a few minutes later a train again
shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the
manager who says he'll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story
is true.
"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to
the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the
manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What
are you doing in here!?"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting
for a train?"
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Real Person
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district
was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took
the job very seriously. But not every caller took me
seriously.
"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.
"I am real," I said.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What
I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually
knows something?"