Golfer vs. Skydiver
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, "Whack, oops!"
A bad skydiver goes "Oops, whack!"
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Slow Down
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY-Go slow and watch out for the chicks
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Work Wisdom
- Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
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Corporate filly
The Dakota Indians of North America passed on this piece of wisdom from generation by word of mouth - "If you are riding a dead horse the best thing to do is dismount". However in the corporate world because of the heavy investment factor other things to be tried, (but not limited to) are the following
* buy a stronger whip
* change riders
* threaten the horse with termination
* appoint a committee to study the horse
* arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses
* lower the standards so dead horses can be included
* appoint an intervention team to reanimate the horse
* create a training session to increase the riders load share
* reclassify the horse as 'living impaired'
* change the form so it reads "This horse is not dead"
* hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse
* harness several dead horses together for increased speed and efficiency
* donate the dead horse to a recognised charity therefore deducting its full original cost
* provide additional funding to increase horse's performance
* do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity
* purchase an after market product that makes dead horses run faster
* declare the dead horse has lower overheads and is therefore more cost effective
* form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses
* rewrite the performance requirements for horses
* and finally if all else fails.....promote the dead horse into a supervisory (management) position
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"Traditionally, most of
Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
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You Know You're Broke When...
- American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
- Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
- Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
- You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
- You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
- Your bologna has no first name.
- McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
- At communion you go back for seconds.
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"Spin the Bottle"
"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.
By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."
- Gene Perret
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Oneliner
"College - The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone."
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CleanPun - "Physical Question"
After getting a physical from my doctor, I asked, "Well Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor said, "That's what puzzles me."
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Strange Facts
"A whales heart beats only nine times a minute."
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During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
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”Fireplace Crowd”
A young curate went to a conference at which most of the gathering consisted of bishops, archdeacons and high officials of the Church. The weather was very cold and it was natural perhaps that the older clergy should cluster around the cheerful fire in the dining room as often as possible.
The curate thought that it was about time he did something about this, so next morning he said in a loud voice: "I had a strange dream last night, I dreamt I had died and gone to hell". After a few moments of dead silence one of the number said "and what did you find there?"
"Just the same as here" was the reply, "I couldn't get near the fire for bishops."
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Two-Day Course For Men
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY - ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each
course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The
course covers two days, and topics covered in this course
include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step-by-step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE - DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR
DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning
the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS - DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH - BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS - BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR SPOUSE
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT
Learning how to live with being wrong all the time,