Monday, May 30, 2005

hUMOR For May 30th

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One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway.
When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly,
"Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are now cleared for takeoff."
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Some things you
keep.

Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands. They're
good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime
that to throw them away would make the garbage man a
thief.

So you hang on, because something old is sometimes
better than something new, and what you know is often
better than a stranger.

These are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and
tame, and dull at a time when everybody else is risky
and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in
their lives.

New careers, new thighs, new lips, new cars. The world
is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I
don't think I want to.

I grew up in the fifties with practical parents - a
mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after
she cooked in it, then reused it - and still does. A
father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than
buying new ones.

They weren't poor, my parents, they were just
satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams
focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away.
I
can see them now, Dad in trousers and tee shirt and
Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in his hand,
dishtowel in hers. It was a time for fixing things -
a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the
oven door, the hem in a dress.

Things you keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes
it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating,
renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste
meant affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd
always be more.

But then my father died, and on that clear autumn
night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck
with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't
any 'more.' Sometimes what you care about most gets
all used up and goes away, never to return.

So, while you have it, it's best to love it and care
for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when
it's sick. That's true for old cars and children with
bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging
parents. You keep them because they're worth it,
because you're worth it.

Some things you keep. Like a best friend that moved
away or a classmate you grew up with, there's just
some things that make life important.... people you
know are special....and you KEEP them close!
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Flood Prediction
Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.
The Pope went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your maker."
The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all they can. The end is near."
The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."
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Deer Tick Warning

Deer Tick Warning!!! I hate it when people forward
bogus warnings, but this one is real and it is
important. So please send this warning to everyone on
your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid
now.
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I Remember...

You have to read this whole thing...it will definitely
make you smile.

Close your eyes...And go back... Before the Internet
or the MAC. Before semi automatics and crack. Before
SEGA or Super Nintendo... Way back...

I'm talking about hide-and-go seek at dusk. Red light,
Green light. Playing kickball & dodge ball until your
porch light came on. Mother May I? Red Rover. Hula
Hoops. Running through the sprinkler.
Happy Meals .

Wait...

Watching Saturday Morning cartoons like Fat Albert,
Road Runner, Smurfs, Picture Pages, G-Force & He-Man
Wonder Woman & Super Man Underoos. Playing Dukes of
Hazard Catching lightning bugs in a jar Christmas
morning... Your first day of school. Bedtime Prayers
and Goodnight Kisses. Climbing trees. Getting an Ice
Cream off the Ice Cream Truck. A million mosquito
bites and sticky fingers. Jumping down the steps.
Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Running 'til you
were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach
hurt.

Being tired from playing... Your first crush... Rainy
days at school meant playing "Heads up 7Up" in the
class room. Remember that?

I'm not finished yet...

Kool-aid was the drink of summer. Toting your friends
on your handle bars. Wearing your new shoes on the
first day of school. Class Field Trips. When nearly
everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got there.
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance, and
another quarter a miracle.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him
or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even
the kid, thought a thing of it.

When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were
so cool.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving
student at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't
because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our
parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
And some of us are still afraid of them!!!

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah,
I remember that!"

There's nothing like the good old days! They were good
then and they're good now when we think about them.

Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can
relate, then share it with someone that missed out on
them. I want to go back to the time when...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do
over!" "Race issue"; meant arguing about who ran the
fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the
banker in "Monopoly". Catching the fireflies could
happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to
have two or three "best" friends. Being old, referred
to anyone over 20. The worst thing you could catch
from the opposite sex was cooties. Nobody was prettier
than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made
better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to
ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a
"double-dog-dare". Spinning around, getting dizzy and
falling down was cause for giggles. The worst
embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water
balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon. Older
siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the
fiercest protectors.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you
have LIVED!!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a
break from their "grown up" life...