My little boy sometimes had difficult bowel movements. One
day, we were browsing together in a novelty and gift store.
There were many wooden signs of "words of encouragement"
hanging on display.
Suddenly, he pointed to one of the signs and said to me,
"Mum, I think we should get this one and hang it in the
toilet." I looked at the sign he was indicating.
It read:
P. U. S. H.
"Pray Until Something Happens."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hat Bet"
A Chabad Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a Schule in New York City, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. Being an old man who walked with the aid of a cane, he wasn't able to catch up with his hat.
Across the street, a young guy saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat and returned it to the Rabbi. "I could not have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi, "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May G-d bless you."
The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He then decided to go to the Racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. "A Stetson hat," he thought, "This is a sign!" He bet $50.00 on Stetson, and sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1! "A fedora is also hat!" he thought, so he bet all his money on Fedora, who came in first as well. "Just one more race, and then I'll go home and surprise my wife!" he said...
At the end of the day the guy returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats.
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the third race. I bet on a horse named Chateau, and it lost."
"You fool! Chateau is a house, *Chapeau* is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter," he said, throwing his arms in the air, "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE
BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CHURCH-SPONSORED ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST ON WHICH KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF
CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES
WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN TH! E BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE
FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY
WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yard Sale
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's
yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I
stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains
you found," her friend replied.
"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's
waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Millionaire
She had reached the final plateau on the show, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire":
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected, the million dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?"
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo, or
D) the vulture?
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer, and she had used up her 50/50 lifeline and her audience poll lifeline.
All that remained was her phone-a-friend lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it; mainly because the only friend she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
She had no alternative She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The Blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy!
The answer is 'C' - The Cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except for the one her friend had given her (Considering her blonde friend, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had answered with such confidence, such certitude, "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C - The Cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
After the inevitable, interminable dramatic pause, Regis said, "That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a
millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends -- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just don't know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire . .. and you know something -- it was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way . . How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests! They live in clocks!"