Counting Calories
Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. Beating around the bush - 75Jumping to conclusions - 100Climbing the walls - 150Swallowing your pride - 50Passing the buck - 25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300Dragging your heels - 100Pushing your luck - 250Making mountains out of molehills - 500Hitting the nail on the head - 50Wading through paperwork - 300Bending over backwards - 75Jumping on the bandwagon - 200Balancing the books - 25Running around in circles - 350Eating crow - 225Tooting your own horn - 25Climbing the ladder of success - 750Pulling out the stops - 75Adding fuel to the fire --160Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms - 50Putting your foot in your mouth - 300Starting the ball rolling - 90Going over the edge - 25Picking up the pieces after - 350
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Ungracious Lawyer
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet. The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
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A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?"
Vernie blurted out, "Aces!"
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The old panhandler living in New York hears that his brother is very sick in
Los Angeles. By working day and night for a week he is able to beg enough to
buy his airplane ticket. He arrives at Kennedy Airport, goes to the ticket
counter, and plunks down all the money.
The clerk at the counter counts it and says to the man, "I'm sorry sir, but
you're a nickel short."
The panhandler tells the clerk that he'll be right back. He runs out in
front of the terminal and stops the first man he sees. "Mister, can you let
me have a nickel, so I can get to California?"
The stranger flips him a quarter and says, "Here, take four of your
friends."
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"Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble
bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway." -Mary Kay Ash
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"Beer, the cause of and solution to, all life's problems."
-Homer Simpson
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"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal
labotomy." -Tom Waits
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"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me
- so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you
with beer." -Homer Simpson
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up
in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all
day." -Frank Sinatra
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After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz,
our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the
manager, Ahmed.
"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who
answered the phone.
"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."
"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"
"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss.
"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying,
'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."
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Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the
secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell
you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that
she told me."
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A System of Taps
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
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Scully
Knock Knock! Who's there?Scully.Scully who?Scully wag!
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Funny Signs
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced" Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
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Car Alarms
I was with a friend in a cafe when a noisy car alarm
interrupted our conversation.
"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to
them?" I wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last
summer, my teenager spent a lot of time over at the
neighbor's house. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to
the driveway and jostle his car."
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You don't know the pain of waiting in a slow checkout line until you've had
a cashier with 2-inch long fake nails feebly attempting to change the roll
of receipt paper.
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AMUSING QUOTE
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
~unknown
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Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him."Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?""I am your guardian angel," the voice answered."Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"